adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Congress Passes Amendment Guaranteeing 'Right to Chicken Done Right'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move hailed by the Clinton Administration as "a culinary turning point for our nation," and reviled by some Republicans as "over-governing to the extreme," the right to chicken done right became a constitutional reality Monday.

The Senate Subcommittee on Fried Chicken celebrated the passage of the KFC Amendment Monday with a 250-piece bucket and 95 pounds of Boston baked beans.

Ratified by 38 of the 50 states, the controversial new "KFC Amendment" reads in full:

ARTICLE XXVIII

1. The right of citizens to chicken done right will not be denied or abridged by the United States or any State; nor their right to savory side dishes, including, but not limited to, biscuits and hot, mashed potatoes with gravy; nor to universal utensils comprising elements of a spoon and a fork; nor to moist towelettes for after-meal hygiene.

2. No citizen will be denied a choice of cooking methods for their chicken, be it deep-fried or slow-roasted to perfection. Nor shall any citizen ever be denied fast, friendly service.

In accordance with the amendment, restaurateurs who serve chicken in a manner judged substantially less than finger lickin' good by a federal court can be sentenced to up to 40 years in prison.

"Restaurant owners, beware," President Clinton said. "If you should violate the new chicken amendment in any way, we will not hesitate to throw the bucket at you."

"Whether you prefer the Colonel's Original Recipe, Extra Tasty Crispy or Low-Fat Tender Roast," continued Clinton, enjoying a golden-brown, honey-glazed drumstick, "deprivation of one's favorite variety of chicken is unconstitutional and un-American."

Some Republicans are incensed by the amendment, calling it a blatant election-year maneuver designed to increase Clinton's popularity with the predominantly chicken-eating voting public.

"It appears convenient that this amendment is ratified at a time when Clinton wants most to impress America's 205 million chicken lovers," Republican vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp said. "The candidate that captures the chicken vote will win this election."

In a last-gasp effort to derail the amendment, Republicans called for an emergency session of Congress Sunday, demanding provisional clauses regarding foil-covered desserts and more precise language with respect to breading. The motion was denied.

"This is government gone crazy," Bob Dole told voters at a campaign rally in Sarasota, FL. "Who is the government to decide what 'done right' is? How can a diverse population like the United States come to an agreement on this most personal of issues?"

Added Dole: "Bob Dole will be the next president of the United States!"

Though the amendment does not specify what constitutes "right" as it applies to chicken preparation, a Pennsylvania state law on the books since 1876 defines it as, "hot, tasty, properly seasoned chicken, oven-roasted or crispy-fried to perfection by any of a number of methods of preparation that ensure a hot, juicy, family-pleasing meal."

This law, which is expected to help define acceptable chicken parameters in America, differs from Canadian law, which, among other things, requires that chicken be served with "a heaping helping of slaw or fries."

Much of the chicken industry is up in arms about the amendment. "How can I possibly do my chicken right?" said Ivor Karwowski of the Cincinnati-based, 14-location Cluck Shack chain. "Without knowledge of the Colonel's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, there is no hope."

Attorneys for Kenny Rogers' Roasters hope to expand the definition of "done right" to include that restaurant's charter of "It's the Wood That Makes It Good."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close