Congress Passes Amendment Guaranteeing 'Right to Chicken Done Right'

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MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who saved an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist." Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-unconscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, giver of Life."

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Congress Passes Amendment Guaranteeing 'Right to Chicken Done Right'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move hailed by the Clinton Administration as "a culinary turning point for our nation," and reviled by some Republicans as "over-governing to the extreme," the right to chicken done right became a constitutional reality Monday.

The Senate Subcommittee on Fried Chicken celebrated the passage of the KFC Amendment Monday with a 250-piece bucket and 95 pounds of Boston baked beans.

Ratified by 38 of the 50 states, the controversial new "KFC Amendment" reads in full:

ARTICLE XXVIII

1. The right of citizens to chicken done right will not be denied or abridged by the United States or any State; nor their right to savory side dishes, including, but not limited to, biscuits and hot, mashed potatoes with gravy; nor to universal utensils comprising elements of a spoon and a fork; nor to moist towelettes for after-meal hygiene.

2. No citizen will be denied a choice of cooking methods for their chicken, be it deep-fried or slow-roasted to perfection. Nor shall any citizen ever be denied fast, friendly service.

In accordance with the amendment, restaurateurs who serve chicken in a manner judged substantially less than finger lickin' good by a federal court can be sentenced to up to 40 years in prison.

"Restaurant owners, beware," President Clinton said. "If you should violate the new chicken amendment in any way, we will not hesitate to throw the bucket at you."

"Whether you prefer the Colonel's Original Recipe, Extra Tasty Crispy or Low-Fat Tender Roast," continued Clinton, enjoying a golden-brown, honey-glazed drumstick, "deprivation of one's favorite variety of chicken is unconstitutional and un-American."

Some Republicans are incensed by the amendment, calling it a blatant election-year maneuver designed to increase Clinton's popularity with the predominantly chicken-eating voting public.

"It appears convenient that this amendment is ratified at a time when Clinton wants most to impress America's 205 million chicken lovers," Republican vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp said. "The candidate that captures the chicken vote will win this election."

In a last-gasp effort to derail the amendment, Republicans called for an emergency session of Congress Sunday, demanding provisional clauses regarding foil-covered desserts and more precise language with respect to breading. The motion was denied.

"This is government gone crazy," Bob Dole told voters at a campaign rally in Sarasota, FL. "Who is the government to decide what 'done right' is? How can a diverse population like the United States come to an agreement on this most personal of issues?"

Added Dole: "Bob Dole will be the next president of the United States!"

Though the amendment does not specify what constitutes "right" as it applies to chicken preparation, a Pennsylvania state law on the books since 1876 defines it as, "hot, tasty, properly seasoned chicken, oven-roasted or crispy-fried to perfection by any of a number of methods of preparation that ensure a hot, juicy, family-pleasing meal."

This law, which is expected to help define acceptable chicken parameters in America, differs from Canadian law, which, among other things, requires that chicken be served with "a heaping helping of slaw or fries."

Much of the chicken industry is up in arms about the amendment. "How can I possibly do my chicken right?" said Ivor Karwowski of the Cincinnati-based, 14-location Cluck Shack chain. "Without knowledge of the Colonel's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, there is no hope."

Attorneys for Kenny Rogers' Roasters hope to expand the definition of "done right" to include that restaurant's charter of "It's the Wood That Makes It Good."

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