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Congress Passes 'America Is #1' Bill

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Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

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How The Iowa Caucuses Work

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Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

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Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

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Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

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Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

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Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

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Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

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Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

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GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

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Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

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Originality

Congress Passes 'America Is #1' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC—With Wall Street booming, the U.S. military standing tall, and Mark McGwire kicking ass and taking names, Congress passed the Helms-Bayh "America Is #1" bill by an overwhelming majority Monday.

"My esteemed colleagues, all of us have long known that America is number one," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, announcing the bill's 92-7 passage. "But now it is official. USA! USA! USA!"

Members of Congress cheer the passage of the Helms-Bayh bill.

Lott's statement, which was met with cheering, whistling and foot-stomping, was followed by the playing of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The USA"—blared over the congressional sound system. As the song played, a group of senators hoisted Lott onto their shoulders and threw him in the air.

The bill, which co-sponsor Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN) called "yet another victory for America," received near-unanimous approval in the House before breezing through the Senate with little opposition. It is slated to be signed into law Friday by President Clinton.

"This bill is for all the hard-working people who have made this country what it is today," Clinton said. "Forget the rest, we are the best!"

First drafted in the House Rules Committee, the bill includes clauses establishing that America has the biggest GNP, the coolest cars, and the best professional basketball players in the entire world. Under the terms of the bill, any American citizen not liking the new law can go the hell to Russia.

The dissenting votes in the House were cast by three Republicans and four Democrats, all of whom were driven out of the Capitol Building to chants of "Communist" and "Benedict Arnold."

"Yes, patriotism does play a valuable role in any society," said Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), one of the bill's opponents. "But let's not lose sight of things: America has a lot of problems that this jingoistic bill makes us less likely to recognize and address. Take, for example, our failing Social Security system. And our falling export—"

Feingold's remarks were quickly drowned out by loud booing and table-banging.

"Who can deny that America is the shit?" asked Sen. Rod Grams (R-MN). "Who's got the world's highest standard of living? Who singlehandedly created the Internet, the first fully accessible world-wide information database? Who's got the best movies? Whose golf team just kicked the Europeans' asses in the Ryder Cup? America, that's who. We rule!"

Grams then engaged Senate Majority Whip Don Nickles and Minority Leader Tom Daschle in a round of "high-fives, up and behind."

Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) taunts a group of visiting French dignitaries.

"It was a great feeling to have such consensus between the two parties," said Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH), who organized a pre-vote tailgate barbeque on the Capitol lawn. "Conservatives, liberals, left, right—for just one day, we put all of our differences aside to come together in agreement that we are the best."

Added Voinovich: "We're better than Japan, we're better than England, we're better than China, we're better than Germany, Canada, France, India, Brazil, Egypt... Need I say more?"

Despite enjoying near-universal support in Congress, the bill is not without its detractors.

"Allocating a mere $55 million for flags and face paint, this bill simply does not go far enough," political commentator and possible presidential hopeful Pat Robertson said. "So much more could be done. What about a superfund for ticker-tape and balloons? What about a permanent float committee? What about mandatory sentencing for those who mess with the U.S.? Don't be fooled, America."

Public response to the bill has been overwhelmingly favorable.

"This is exactly what this country needs right now," said Diane Hebets, a Chelsea, MI, legal secretary. "All I hear these days is negativity about the national debt, our health-care system, youth violence—it's about time we heard something about what we're doing right."

"It's been a long time since I agreed so wholeheartedly with those politicians in Washington," said Orlando, FL, carpet salesman Jim LeClair. "We're number one, and nobody better forget it. You hear me, Saddam Hussein? If you want some, come and get it. I'm right here, buddy."

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