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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Congress Passes First Law In U.S. History That Doesn't Somehow Kill Tens Of Thousands Of Ducks

Legislators proudly announce that, for some reason, no ducks died in the passing of their latest bill.
Legislators proudly announce that, for some reason, no ducks died in the passing of their latest bill.

WASHINGTON—The United States Congress passed a law late Wednesday that for the first time in its 222-year history did not result in the sudden and unexpected deaths of thousands of ducks.

The law, designed to track suspicious interstate financial transactions, passed with an overwhelming majority in both houses and did not cause the usual hail of dead ducks to fall from the sky.

Normally, when Congress passes a bill, many mass duck graves such as this one are filled to capacity.

"I'm not sure what we did differently with this bill, but suffice it to say, we're pleasantly surprised by the result," House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) said from the duck-carcass-free steps of the Capitol. "No ducks spontaneously lost their buoyancy and drowned in their ponds, burst into flames, or lined up to be run over by a steamroller. It's a good day for Americans and a great day for ducks."

Since the ratification of the Constitution, an astounding 14.7 million ducks have died in the passage of legislation. While congressional resolutions to honor events, institutions, or people generally result in the demise of no more than 2,500 ducks, sources said each bill related to financial policy or security programs inexplicably takes the lives of at least 90,000 ducks.

The current record duck death toll traceable to Congress occurred following proposal of the 18th Amendment, which somehow caused 380,000 ducks to die. Its repeal by the 21st Amendment was accompanied by an additional 214,000 ducks flying directly into the sun.

"You can never predict how they're going to go," said Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), noting that even the Duck Protection Act of 1984 resulted in 4,100 ducks exploding over Chesapeake Bay. "We passed an FAA bill in 1998 that led to 80,234 ducks flying into jet engines, which kind of makes sense, I suppose. But then in 2000, we voted to approve a day of recognition for Hank Aaron, and 3,823 ducks had strokes. Whatever the case, it was nice to leave work this time without getting hit by a plunging duck."

According to congressional sources, the outcome of the legislation likely would have been different if Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) had been successful is his attempt to add a provision to the bill calling for 14,000 ducks to be stabbed to death.

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