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Congress Passes Natural Disaster Digital-Enhancement Funding

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Congress Passes Natural Disaster Digital-Enhancement Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved legislation Monday allocating more than $30 billion for digital enhancement of natural disasters. "It's bad enough losing loved ones to a volcano," Sen. Mike Dewine (R-OH) said, "without also being underwhelmed by bland, unimpressive disaster footage." Under the new law, all future tornados, mudslides, earthquakes, and other natural disasters must be rendered in the highest-resolution, most state-of-the art manner possible. The legislation comes just in time to satisfy critics of the recent floods in Texas, panned by many as "fake-looking" and "a B-grade disaster, at best." Congress is also debating whether to fund an $180 million remastering of 1979's Hurricane David in time for a 20th-anniversary re-release.

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