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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Congress Passes Natural Disaster Digital-Enhancement Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved legislation Monday allocating more than $30 billion for digital enhancement of natural disasters. "It's bad enough losing loved ones to a volcano," Sen. Mike Dewine (R-OH) said, "without also being underwhelmed by bland, unimpressive disaster footage." Under the new law, all future tornados, mudslides, earthquakes, and other natural disasters must be rendered in the highest-resolution, most state-of-the art manner possible. The legislation comes just in time to satisfy critics of the recent floods in Texas, panned by many as "fake-looking" and "a B-grade disaster, at best." Congress is also debating whether to fund an $180 million remastering of 1979's Hurricane David in time for a 20th-anniversary re-release.

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