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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Congress Raises Livestock Minimum Wage To $6.50 Per Hour

WASHINGTON—In response to mounting pressures from domesticated farm animals, Congress voted Monday to raise the minimum wage for livestock to $6.50 an hour. "A lot of these animals are on their hooves all day pulling 10-hour shifts down at the slaughterhouse," said Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), who co-sponsored the first livestock minimum-wage increase since 1993. "This bill ensures sheep, goats, chickens, and cows a fair wage, and will allow them to continue putting corn and oats in the trough. The costs of barns, pens, and pastureland have increased—why shouldn't their paychecks?" President Obama said he would sign the bill even though it did not include the tougher regulations he had pushed for to discourage gender-based discrimination in the farmyard.

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