Congress Repairs To Parlor To Hear Rep. Carolyn Maloney Play The Recorder

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Vol 48 Issue 41

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.
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Congress Repairs To Parlor To Hear Rep. Carolyn Maloney Play The Recorder

WASHINGTON—Following a long day of legislation, members of the House of Representatives gathered in the congressional parlor Tuesday to sip dessert liqueurs and listen to Carolyn B. Maloney (D-NY) play the recorder. “Carolyn, please be a dear and bring out your recorder,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) said from his overstuffed leather armchair as he swirled brandy in a large snifter and lit a cigar. “There’s a good girl! I find a little music helps settle the soul after a long, hard day. Now, Carolyn, play that delightful little tune you’ve been practicing and show everyone what you’ve learned—ah, good! Good!” Following a stilted rendition of the traditional folk song “Greensleeves,” Cantor sent Maloney away so the grown-ups could exchange bawdy stories of large-chested ladies from their home districts.

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