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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:
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Congress Repairs To Parlor To Hear Rep. Carolyn Maloney Play The Recorder

WASHINGTON—Following a long day of legislation, members of the House of Representatives gathered in the congressional parlor Tuesday to sip dessert liqueurs and listen to Carolyn B. Maloney (D-NY) play the recorder. “Carolyn, please be a dear and bring out your recorder,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) said from his overstuffed leather armchair as he swirled brandy in a large snifter and lit a cigar. “There’s a good girl! I find a little music helps settle the soul after a long, hard day. Now, Carolyn, play that delightful little tune you’ve been practicing and show everyone what you’ve learned—ah, good! Good!” Following a stilted rendition of the traditional folk song “Greensleeves,” Cantor sent Maloney away so the grown-ups could exchange bawdy stories of large-chested ladies from their home districts.

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Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:

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