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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Congress Repairs To Parlor To Hear Rep. Carolyn Maloney Play The Recorder

WASHINGTON—Following a long day of legislation, members of the House of Representatives gathered in the congressional parlor Tuesday to sip dessert liqueurs and listen to Carolyn B. Maloney (D-NY) play the recorder. “Carolyn, please be a dear and bring out your recorder,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) said from his overstuffed leather armchair as he swirled brandy in a large snifter and lit a cigar. “There’s a good girl! I find a little music helps settle the soul after a long, hard day. Now, Carolyn, play that delightful little tune you’ve been practicing and show everyone what you’ve learned—ah, good! Good!” Following a stilted rendition of the traditional folk song “Greensleeves,” Cantor sent Maloney away so the grown-ups could exchange bawdy stories of large-chested ladies from their home districts.

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