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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Congress Revises 1997 Food-Crime Equivalency Ratings

WASHINGTON, DC—Following through on a promise to get tough on food, Congress unveiled its revised, stricter 1997 food-crime equivalency ratings Monday.

Legislators from both parties hailed the new ratings as a step in the right direction.

"This revision is a major victory in the fight against food crime," U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) said. "Under the new standards, meat is still murder, but many other foods now come with much harsher penalties as well."

"It's about time we started cracking down on food," Sen. Jeff Bingaman (D-NM) said. "After all, meat isn't the only crime."

Congress Revises 1997 Food-Crime Equivalency Ratings


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