adBlockCheck

Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship

Top Headlines

Politics

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship

WASHINGTON—Thousands thronged the docks of the capital seaport last week to watch as Congressmen boarded galleys and set sail in search of the Lost Sword of Bipartisanship, a holy relic that according to legend has the power to restore collegial relations and procedural harmony to the legislative branch.

Members of Congress, above, as they embark upon a journey from which many may never return.

Initial reports from sea confirm the expedition has already faced dire peril in its quest, which was reportedly inspired by a "radiant vision" of a sword that appeared before stunned senators and representatives in the Capitol rotunda a fortnight ago during negotiations over a minor wetlands preservation bill.

"I know in my bones this is a sign," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was overheard saying as he fell to his knees, humbled by the hovering Sword's fabled embodiment of civil discourse, mutual respect, and practical, common sense. "To see an apparition of this sacred talisman, which cuts through bickering and self-interest, is to see that we have strayed in our ways, and that only the Sword itself can point us toward the true path."

"We must seek the sword at once," said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), who, in a rare moment of alliance, knelt to join Reid in meek supplication. "Though we do not know where it is, it may be the only thing that can save us."

Following several days of stalemates and inaction, Congress appropriated funds for a mighty fleet of ships and approved a motion to set sail, reportedly demurring at an offer of assistance from the U.S. Navy because the task of finding the Sword of Bipartisanship was "theirs, and theirs alone" to bear.

On Friday, messenger birds began to arrive with tidings of great adventure, but grim outcomes.

One scroll recounts the demise of Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-HI), who died of exposure and malnutrition within sight of the shores of his beloved island home, while another tells tale of a giant ice floe that carried the entire House Ways and Means Committee into the Arctic night, never to be seen again.

Dangling desperately by a lashing line, Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) is said to have fallen into a churning maelstrom off the Horn of Africa while raging at the heavens and shouting, "Fools! Fools! There is no Sword! There is no Bipartisanship! It's all a lie, and we all bound for Death!"

"One of the messages, burnt on the edges and smelling of brimstone, tells how they stopped on a remote island for provisions and were imprisoned by a mighty one-eyed monster who bellowed, 'But there's no way to pay for all this!'" Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) told reporters from atop the Washington Monument, where she awaits the Congressmen's return, clad in widow's black burlap and gazing out to sea. "They seem to have defeated this Cyclops, but of the coveted saber, there is no word."

"And now I've received news that fishermen in Monterey Bay have found in their nets the bloated remains of Barney Frank," Pelosi added.

Tales sung by bards since time immemorial describe the Sword as a master blade forged at Lexington and Concord, broken during the Civil War, reforged by Abraham Lincoln, wielded by the imp Joe McCarthy until he was driven mad, used briefly at a Cleveland City Council meeting during a unanimous vote on a zoning variance, and then lost somewhere in the misty murk of Indochina.

According to a raving, half-starved Senate page found Monday clinging to an oar in the Potomac River, a pack of seductive lobbyists attempted to lure Congress to their doom upon an island's rocky shoals, a disaster averted only when Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) locked his colleagues belowdecks and navigated the fleet to safety himself.

"I warned them of the dangers they would face," a mysterious and becloaked oracle known only as the Librarian of Congress told reporters. "Those who seek the Sword of Bipartisanship must confront not only the terrors that dwell in the vasty deep, but those within their very hearts."

"If that fails, the least they could do is sit down like grown-ups, have an open exchange of ideas, identify shared values, hold good-faith negotiations in which both sides make concessions, reach an agreement that a majority of them believes will advance the common good, and then vote on a goddamn bill," he added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close