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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Congress Splits Into Male And Female Senators To Discuss Newest Reproductive Bill

WASHINGTON—To better educate lawmakers on complex reproductive issues while also providing a safe, nonthreatening environment where they can speak up and ask questions without feeling self-conscious, the U.S. Senate’s 100 members were separated into male and female groups Thursday afternoon prior to arguments on S.1696, the Women’s Health Protection Act. “There’s always some giggling when the Senate debates a woman’s right to privacy and choice in reproductive matters, which is okay, but we find that everyone’s more at ease when they can talk about it with members of their own sex,” Senate Sergeant at Arms Andrew B. Willison said as the female senators were led single-file down the hall into the Senate Appropriations Committee Room where they will learn about the proposed legislation from longtime congressional leader Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-MD). “This way both the male and female senators can open up and ask anything they want about the bill’s provisions without fear of embarrassment or teasing. For many elected officials, this is their first real introduction to a woman’s reproductive rights, so we want to make the process as comfortable for them as possible.” Sources confirmed that Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) was given a religious exemption from the discussion after providing a note from his constituents.

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