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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Congress Splits Into Male And Female Senators To Discuss Newest Reproductive Bill

WASHINGTON—To better educate lawmakers on complex reproductive issues while also providing a safe, nonthreatening environment where they can speak up and ask questions without feeling self-conscious, the U.S. Senate’s 100 members were separated into male and female groups Thursday afternoon prior to arguments on S.1696, the Women’s Health Protection Act. “There’s always some giggling when the Senate debates a woman’s right to privacy and choice in reproductive matters, which is okay, but we find that everyone’s more at ease when they can talk about it with members of their own sex,” Senate Sergeant at Arms Andrew B. Willison said as the female senators were led single-file down the hall into the Senate Appropriations Committee Room where they will learn about the proposed legislation from longtime congressional leader Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-MD). “This way both the male and female senators can open up and ask anything they want about the bill’s provisions without fear of embarrassment or teasing. For many elected officials, this is their first real introduction to a woman’s reproductive rights, so we want to make the process as comfortable for them as possible.” Sources confirmed that Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) was given a religious exemption from the discussion after providing a note from his constituents.

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