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Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
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Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill

'We're Going All In, Boys,' Congressmen Say

WASHINGTON—In a stunning emergency session Wednesday, all 535 members of Congress unanimously agreed to pool what remained of their political capital and bet the farm on one final bill: H.R. 2809, a comprehensive and extremely risky plan experts said would either get the nation back on track or send it into a permanent downward spiral.

According to government officials, the ambitious 15,980-page bill effectively puts all the nation's eggs in one basket, but congressional leaders from both parties agreed the time had come to "put up or shut up" and draft one huge piece of historic legislation that would address every conceivable issue facing the United States.

"This is for the whole enchilada," House Speaker John Boehner told reporters, describing the measure as "a long shot and our last shot." "Look, if it works, then we're all going to be sitting pretty. If it doesn't, then we're dead in the water, for sure. But I say, what the hell, if we're gonna go down, we might as well go down swinging."

"Let's do this thing," he added.

The bill, which Congress is calling "the big one, the big kahuna."

The omnibus bill—which sources confirmed goes "all in" when it comes to the tax code, energy policies, gun control, the cost of health care, and campaign finance rules—is said by lawmakers to include everything but the kitchen sink, and reportedly "doesn't beat around the bush" on immigration, agricultural subsidies, education, the nation's defense, foreign policy, transportation, arts programs, or the Postal Service, either.

"If you're asking about the meat and potatoes of this thing, you name it, you got it, buddy," said Rep. Pete Visclosky (D-IN), a cosponsor of the legislation. "I stood on the House floor, told everyone we had to go for broke on this thing, and before I knew it, guys on both sides of the aisle were adding amendment after amendment, subclause after subclause."

"We put all that political shit behind us," Visclosky continued. "The personal shit, the ideological shit. None of that matters anymore. It all comes down to this one last make-it-or-break-it showstopper."

The resulting bill, which legal scholars estimate will alter approximately 64 percent of the existing United States Code, was quickly approved in a 435-0 roll-call vote, with every representative agreeing there was nothing left to do but sit back and let the chips fall where they may.

Though it eventually passed the Senate 100-0, the measure reportedly took longer to receive unanimous bipartisan support there, with some members hesitant to put everything on the line for the 12-volume, 152-pound bill they found on their desks Wednesday afternoon.

"I admit, my first reaction was that it was just too damn risky; no way we'd be able to pull it off," Sen. Pat Toomey (R-PA) said of his initial misgivings. "I'm not looking to lose my shirt here. This is my first term, after all."

However, moments after Toomey aired his reservations, Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) was observed approaching the junior senator from Pennsylvania and asking, "Are you a senator, or are you a fucking senator?" According to sources, Toomey then took a deep breath, nodded his head, and calmly replied, "Fuck it. I'm in."

While liberal and conservative pundits alike have derided the legislation as a Hail Mary pass, lawmakers said they remained hopeful it would beat the odds and propel the nation to economic and cultural prosperity.

"Hell, we know it's a risk, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind," Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) said. "We're slapping our hand on the table with a pair of threes, rolling the dice for a hard six, calling heads and crossing our fingers, 'cause if it comes up tails, don't bother sending for a doctor, brother—what we'll need is a priest. But that's the name of the game. That's D.C., baby. That's Congress. We spun the wheel, and we didn't consult nobody or nothing but our [grabs testicles] and our [holds hand to heart]."

"And you can take that to the bank," he added.

At press time, members of Congress were reportedly holding their breath and hoping President Obama wouldn't call their bluff and veto the bill.

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