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Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill

'We're Going All In, Boys,' Congressmen Say

WASHINGTON—In a stunning emergency session Wednesday, all 535 members of Congress unanimously agreed to pool what remained of their political capital and bet the farm on one final bill: H.R. 2809, a comprehensive and extremely risky plan experts said would either get the nation back on track or send it into a permanent downward spiral.

According to government officials, the ambitious 15,980-page bill effectively puts all the nation's eggs in one basket, but congressional leaders from both parties agreed the time had come to "put up or shut up" and draft one huge piece of historic legislation that would address every conceivable issue facing the United States.

"This is for the whole enchilada," House Speaker John Boehner told reporters, describing the measure as "a long shot and our last shot." "Look, if it works, then we're all going to be sitting pretty. If it doesn't, then we're dead in the water, for sure. But I say, what the hell, if we're gonna go down, we might as well go down swinging."

"Let's do this thing," he added.

The bill, which Congress is calling "the big one, the big kahuna."

The omnibus bill—which sources confirmed goes "all in" when it comes to the tax code, energy policies, gun control, the cost of health care, and campaign finance rules—is said by lawmakers to include everything but the kitchen sink, and reportedly "doesn't beat around the bush" on immigration, agricultural subsidies, education, the nation's defense, foreign policy, transportation, arts programs, or the Postal Service, either.

"If you're asking about the meat and potatoes of this thing, you name it, you got it, buddy," said Rep. Pete Visclosky (D-IN), a cosponsor of the legislation. "I stood on the House floor, told everyone we had to go for broke on this thing, and before I knew it, guys on both sides of the aisle were adding amendment after amendment, subclause after subclause."

"We put all that political shit behind us," Visclosky continued. "The personal shit, the ideological shit. None of that matters anymore. It all comes down to this one last make-it-or-break-it showstopper."

The resulting bill, which legal scholars estimate will alter approximately 64 percent of the existing United States Code, was quickly approved in a 435-0 roll-call vote, with every representative agreeing there was nothing left to do but sit back and let the chips fall where they may.

Though it eventually passed the Senate 100-0, the measure reportedly took longer to receive unanimous bipartisan support there, with some members hesitant to put everything on the line for the 12-volume, 152-pound bill they found on their desks Wednesday afternoon.

"I admit, my first reaction was that it was just too damn risky; no way we'd be able to pull it off," Sen. Pat Toomey (R-PA) said of his initial misgivings. "I'm not looking to lose my shirt here. This is my first term, after all."

However, moments after Toomey aired his reservations, Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) was observed approaching the junior senator from Pennsylvania and asking, "Are you a senator, or are you a fucking senator?" According to sources, Toomey then took a deep breath, nodded his head, and calmly replied, "Fuck it. I'm in."

While liberal and conservative pundits alike have derided the legislation as a Hail Mary pass, lawmakers said they remained hopeful it would beat the odds and propel the nation to economic and cultural prosperity.

"Hell, we know it's a risk, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind," Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) said. "We're slapping our hand on the table with a pair of threes, rolling the dice for a hard six, calling heads and crossing our fingers, 'cause if it comes up tails, don't bother sending for a doctor, brother—what we'll need is a priest. But that's the name of the game. That's D.C., baby. That's Congress. We spun the wheel, and we didn't consult nobody or nothing but our [grabs testicles] and our [holds hand to heart]."

"And you can take that to the bank," he added.

At press time, members of Congress were reportedly holding their breath and hoping President Obama wouldn't call their bluff and veto the bill.

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