Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

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Vol 33 Issue 02

Microsoft Signs Justice Dept. Attorney To $350 Million Endorsement Deal

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday. Klein, who will appear in Microsoft TV and print ads, joins a growing list of high-profile government personalities who have signed endorsement deals with the software giant, including solicitor general Seth Waxman, FTC chair Robert Pitofsky and federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson. "We are thrilled to have a big-time celebrity like Joel Klein endorsing our products," Microsoft’s Bill Gates said. "This highly recognizable figure should help greatly increase public awareness of Microsoft." Said Klein: "I am very excited to lend my image and name to Microsoft, America’s Software People. The company has long impressed me with the high quality of its products and its fair, non-monopolistic business practices." Klein then issued a cease-and-desist order against Apple Computer for anti-competitive pricing tactics, deceptive advertising, and unlawful employment of underage slave labor.

Local Couple Needs To Talk

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the seemingly solid nature of the couple’s relationship," the report read, "Washburn and Healy need to get some things straight and determine just where things stand right now. They also need to figure out exactly where they’re headed." If the couple fails to talk, they face possible breakup, redistribution of personal items, and an undetermined period of involuntary abstinence.

MTV Promotes, Airs, Condemns Controversial New Video

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song by Miscogynator, a Keith Flint-fronted Prodigy side project. The video, which has outraged feminists with its graphic depictions of nude women being brutally beaten, is, according to MTV News' Kurt Loder, "an offensive, sick, degrading abomination that goes beyond all limits of decency, and will be aired unedited at least 15 times a day on MTV. Watch it often, and see for yourself just how wrong it is." Said MTV president David Zell: "Because of the disgusting, reprehensible nature of this video, MTV is only airing it between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. EST, when all teens are asleep, and between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. EST, when all teens are at school. This tough stance will ensure that no underage viewers will ever be exposed to this crass exercise in exploitation."

Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

WASHINGTON, DC—Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo announced Wednesday that his department will allocate $260 million toward the construction of more than 50,000 low-outcome housing units in cities across the U.S.

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Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig "Ironhead" Heyward testified under federal subpoena Monday before the Senate Investigatory Subcommittee on Bath And Shower Gender-Role Standards And Norms.

U.S. Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE), displays a dainty, effeminate shower-sponge thingy for congressional review.

According to Washington insiders, the chief focus of the formal inquest concerned the popular athlete's rumored use of Zest-brand body-wash liquid soap, a product perceived by many lawmakers on Capitol Hill as "just for the ladies."

"There is a feeling among many in Washington that this girlish and fanciful liquid soap may be an unacceptably feminine cleansing agent for a man of Mr. Heyward's supposed tough-guy stature," said Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS), in a statement to the press shortly before the start of hearings. "Given Ironhead's obviously intimidating physical presence, and the possibility that he may resent his masculinity being called into question publicly, I'm sure we all can appreciate how potentially volatile these hearings may be."

Fellow committee member Sen. Paul Sarbanes (D-MD) agreed. "Certainly, there are dangers involved in such hearings," he said. "Nonetheless, we will pull no punches. If Ironhead is, in fact, a liquid-soap user and proponent, it is our duty to determine whether or not his manliness has been irrevocably compromised."

Despite the gravity of the charges levied against him, Heyward maintained his composure throughout the hearing. "I'm used to a challenge," he told the assembled legislators, boldly challenging them to reevaluate their biased perceptions of Zest body-wash liquid-soap products.

"I challenge you!" Heyward said.

Though Heyward's testimony was frequently interrupted by audible laughter from the back of the senate chambers, he was steadfast in his pro-liquid-soap stance. "I hear you snickering!" the visibly agitated Heyward said. "Listen, chump: Zest body wash doesn't contain heavy moisturizers!"

The hearing reached its most heated moment when investigatory subcommittee chairperson Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE) held up what some in Washington are describing as "the smoking gun": an undeniably frilly shower-sponge device used for liquid-soap application.

Craig "Ironhead" Heyward

Adopting a humorously exaggerated "girly-man" persona and affecting a mocking, high-pitched tone of voice, Hagel dangled the lacy, doily-like sponge from its string and said, "Hey, Ironhead? What's with this thingy?"

Angered, Heyward responded that the proper term for the object the senator had referred to as a "thingy" is, in fact, a "lather-builder," and went on to state that the device is the best possible utensil for any serious athlete's heavy-duty post-workout bathing needs.

"Mr. Senator, I will have you know, in no uncertain terms, that the lather-builder you are holding generates up to 70 percent more suds than regular bar soap!" Heyward said. "That means you get cleaner... period!"

Heyward's pro-thingy stance is being applauded by gender-identity reform advocates across the nation.

"In Ironhead, we have the rare example of a real man—a burly, muscular, testosterone-fueled behemoth who has proven his mettle time and time again on the playing field—who is comfortable enough with his own sexuality to openly admit his preference for liquid soap," said Glenn Barrie-Reid of the San Francisco-based New-Age Male-Awareness Task Force. "Even in the face of pressure from the nation's top elected officials, he has refused to back down. Ironhead has done immeasurable good for society, teaching us all a valuable lesson about what being a real man is all about."

While the national debate over gender-appropriate bathroom-product usage is far from over, many observers feel that Heyward's appearance before Congress represents a major victory for the forces of reform.

"Because of Ironhead, the tricky issue of bathroom-product sexual-role-identification is finally being discussed openly and honestly," said University of California-Berkeley sociology professor Nelson Laine. "Thanks to his commitment to bringing this issue out into the fore, we can all bathe a little easier."

"We as a nation have received a powerful message, one we will not soon forget," Laine said. "Ironhead has taught us that, male or female, what's important is not how we wash or with what we wash, but whether or not, at the end of the day, we are Zestfully clean."

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