Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy

Top Headlines

Business

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Originality

Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy

Proponents of the new economic stimulus package show off the comfort and versatility of alpaca fleece.

Proponents of the new economic stimulus package show off the comfort and versatility of alpaca fleece.

WASHINGTON—Members of Congress assured Americans that they have a definitive plan for reviving the slumping economy when they unveiled on Monday a bold new fiscal stimulus package that calls for the purchase of a pair of alpacas.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said the proposal, which is expected to solve the sub-prime mortgage crisis, boost consumer confidence, and pump much-needed liquid capital into the market, will be put into motion as soon as the first issue of Alpaca World magazine arrives and Congress has a chance to go through the catalog and select the perfect mating pair.

"We're confident that breeding alpacas will jump-start the economy and lift this nation out of debt once we get the start-up money," said McConnell, who insists the exotic livestock require very little maintenance and are of a gentler temperament than their cousin the llama. "All you need is a fertile male and a female in heat, and nature takes it course. Before you know it, the money is rolling in and there's alpacas everywhere."

An alpaca

After weeks of debate, a bipartisan commission finally chose the alpaca initiative over a number of other proposals, including handcrafting turquoise jewelry, an extensive job-training program in the nation's most impoverished regions, and opening a U.S. Congress seller's account on Ebay. McConnell said the group was swayed toward the idea of mating alpacas and also shearing them for their valuable fleece because it required the fewest resources and was a "super-easy" way to rake in cash.

"It is time to stop bickering and take real steps to revive the U.S. dollar—which is why we're sending a fact-finding delegation out to the alpaca farm in Hagerstown [MD] next weekend," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said. "Senator Chuck Hagel's brother-in-law said we could borrow his truck to pick up the alpacas from the National Zoological Society on Saturday."

"I can't believe we ever wasted our time with tariffs, raising interest rates, and tax hikes," Pelosi added. "This is such a no-brainer."

Under the new proposal, a Senate subcommittee will be formed to attend to the day-to-day care of the alpacas, providing food and water, cleaning up their communal dung pile, and securing the animals in their pen inside the Senate chamber at night. In addition, Congressman Robert Andrews (D-NJ) made his office available for storing buckets and shovels, saying the space is usually empty anyway since he prefers to work from home.

A special committee was sent to a nearby alpaca farm to scout mating pairs and pet some alpacas.

A Senate majority has already voted to name the alpacas Jefferson and Bongo.

Advocates also claimed that using the alpacas' fleece for knitted and woven items would energize the textile industry and eliminate the nation's dependence on foreign- produced ponchos.

"If we are truly committed and learn to spin our own fibers, we can cut out the middleman and sell socks, hats, and gloves directly to the American public," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "People don't realize how much softer alpaca wool is because they've never had a chance to try it. Once they do, though—let's just say this war could be paid for in no time."

While initial reaction has been positive, critics of the plan have pointed out that Congress has still not paid back the money it borrowed from the American public to start that silk-screen T-shirt business it was so excited about in 2004, and many were concerned that this will just be a repeat of the Bedazzling the Economy Act of 2000.

The bill's sponsors, however, claimed that they had thought it all through, and that this economic stimulus package "can't miss."

"If for some reason it doesn't work out—which it will—we can always allocate some additional spending for a goat and convert the venture into an executive petting zoo," Sen. Pat Roberts (R-KS) said. "Those other projects required too much overhead. With alpacas, it's just grass, and we already have the whole National Mall right across the street."

Sen. Mel Martinez (R-FL), a well-known fiscal conservative, remained one of the sole voices against the proposal.

"This harebrained scheme is shortsighted, ill conceived, and an absolute waste of time and effort," Martinez said. "Which is why from the beginning I said, let's raise emus. Not only do you have meat and eggs, but you can probably get some money for those feathers too."

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke on Monday called the new plan "intriguing," but stressed that the nation's economic policy should continue to center around Sen. Robert Byrd's (D-WV) practice of selling soda and candy bars out of his office, which accounted for almost 30 percent of last year's gross domestic product.

Next Story