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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Congress Votes Itself More Scotch

WASHINGTON—In the largest self-allocation of liquor in its history, the U.S. Congress unanimously voted itself more scotch Monday.

Members of Congress unwind after the passage of "The Scotch Bill," which appropriates $120,000 per year to Congress for consumption of single-malt scotch whiskey. The bill took just six minutes to approve.

"It's unaminiss," said Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), announcing the bill's passage. "Let's have the eyes have it. All those in favor say, 'Yea.' All right, then."

According to the terms of HR-549.1(a), better known as "The Scotch Bill," $120,000 per year will be allocated to Congress for consumption of high-quality, single-malt scotch whiskey.

"We do like scotch, yes," Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-NY) said to reporters following the vote. "But if a little drink helps to clear our heads while we're at work, what's so bad about that? Right?"

Added Moynihan: "Morerer scotch."

Though most Capitol Hill insiders predicted the bill would pass, few expected it to go straight through the House and Senate and then on to the desk of President Clinton in a record six minutes.

"Proposal, debate and passage of a bill in six minutes may sound a bit hasty," Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (R-GA) said. "However, this is a very important piece of legislation, one of the few pieces of the legislation that both Republicats and Demicans can agree on about."

Insiders speculate that the president's swift approval of the GOP-sponsored bill came largely out of a desire not to provoke the Republican-controlled Congress with a full second term on the horizon. Clinton press secretary George Stephanopoulos denies the charge.

"The President is not afraid to stand up to Congress," Stephanopoulos said. "It's just that the scotch helps relax the Congressmen, and to take it from them would really be making more trouble than it's worth, you know?"

Within an hour after the vote, 95 cases of Chivas Royal Salute Scotch were delivered to the House and Senate floors, along with 700 glass tumblers and half a ton of ice.

Though Monday's congressional session was interrupted for about half an hour to serve the scotch, regular activity soon resumed. Accomplishments late in the day included the approval of $20 million to '70s rock band Humble Pie "for kicking total ass," and the passage of an "Interesting Budget Amendment," requiring all the digits in the federal deficit to be the same, such as $3,333,333,333,333.

"This is... the greatest vote ever being gave," a somewhat lucid Rep. Joe Scarborough (R-FL) wheezed through lidded, bloodshot eyes. "I'm-a tell you that straight up."

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