Congress Votes Itself More Scotch

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Vol 30 Issue 15

Reedsburg Chamber Of Commerce:'Come Grow With Us'

REEDSBURG, OH—According to the Reedsburg Chamber of Commerce, the small Central Ohio town is a great place to relocate a family or business. "Reedsburg Is On The Grow!" said Chamber of Commerce President Fred Frisch, unveiling Reedsburg's new slogan. Frisch added that if you visit Reedsburg, "You'll Like What You See" as, with its low crime rate, clean water and great schools, the town is "A Perfect 10!" Frisch then broke down in tears, adding, "Please move here. The county really needs the tax revenue. We're desperate."

Single-Parent Families Get 'A' Rating ,From Drug Kingpin

ST. LOUIS—Area drug lord Darryl "Cootie-Fish" Jackson gave an "A" rating to single-parent families Monday. "A child raised by one parent is more likely to rebel," Jackson said. "For me, that's great for business." He also commended the nation's moral decay in recent years. "I applaud this decay, and I hope to fill this moral vacuum with drugs." The "A" award was presented at the corner of Third and Dempsey near Fat Sam's Liquors. Receiving "F" grades from Jackson were the St. Louis Police Department, Sesame Street and NBC, for the network's "The More You Know" public-service messages.

Claire Danes Fantasized About

VAN NUYS, CA—Actress Claire Danes, 17, was fantasized about Monday evening by Van Nuys plumber Doug Blodes, 38. "I have been impressed with Danes' acting skills and nubile body ever since first seeing her on My So-Called Life," Blodes said. "Unfortunately, she was only 14 at the time, and I was unable to bring myself to fantasize about her. Though she is still a year away from legal maturity, after seeing her in Romeo and Juliet recently, I could wait no longer." Blodes added he looks forward to the eventual video release of Romeo and Juliet, so that he can "enjoy the film" in the privacy of his own home.

Local Youth To Insert Coin

EVANSTON, IL—According to sources, Evanston resident Danny Vebber, 16, will insert a coin later this afternoon. Though not confirmed, it is believed the coin will be dropped into a Mortal Kombat II video game machine. "Danny's planned coin insertion does not surprise me," Northwestern University professor of sociology Herman Janks said. "The average 16-year-old boy spends the majority of his day inserting coins, whether it be into video games, soda machines or cigarette dispensers. And when these teens aren't inserting coins, they're usually busy looking for more coins to insert." According to Janks, by the time a boy like Vebber turns 17, he will have inserted more than 31,000 coins into some 4,800 slots.

Burundi Asks Neighbor To Keep It Down

BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI—Fed up with the constant noise, Burundi asked neighboring nation Zaire to "please keep it down" Tuesday. "We cannot get anything done around here with all that racket you're making," Burundi Prime Minister Antoine Nduwayo told Zaire. "Can you please hold your upheaval somewhere else, or at least do it more quietly? There are other countries that live around here, you know." Nduwayo added that Burundi's other neighbor, Rwanda, is "not much better."

Hubby Rick and I Just Got Vanity Plates!

Well, Jean's got some bad news for you: Lady is no more! Longtime readers of my column need not ask who Lady is, but for the benefit of you newcomers, Lady is my 1981 Plymouth Sundance coupe. For nearly a decade, Lady took me to work, carried my groceries and, most recently, accompanied me to RomantiCon '96 in Milwaukee.

Ro-Bots Are Trying To Kill Me

I'm often asked about the role of technology in our society, and whether it is ultimately beneficial or destructive. My reply: Technology is a scourge which must be abolished! I know this first-hand, for, as of this writing, a vast army of mechanical men surrounds my estate, ready to wipe me off the map!

Lucky Charms Phases Out Oat Pieces

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, maker of the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms, announced Tuesday that the morning favorite will soon become much more lucky with the addition of 16 new colorful marshmallow shapes, displacing the unpopular oat pieces that have hampered the cereal's appeal for decades.
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Congress Votes Itself More Scotch

WASHINGTON—In the largest self-allocation of liquor in its history, the U.S. Congress unanimously voted itself more scotch Monday.

Members of Congress unwind after the passage of "The Scotch Bill," which appropriates $120,000 per year to Congress for consumption of single-malt scotch whiskey. The bill took just six minutes to approve.

"It's unaminiss," said Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), announcing the bill's passage. "Let's have the eyes have it. All those in favor say, 'Yea.' All right, then."

According to the terms of HR-549.1(a), better known as "The Scotch Bill," $120,000 per year will be allocated to Congress for consumption of high-quality, single-malt scotch whiskey.

"We do like scotch, yes," Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-NY) said to reporters following the vote. "But if a little drink helps to clear our heads while we're at work, what's so bad about that? Right?"

Added Moynihan: "Morerer scotch."

Though most Capitol Hill insiders predicted the bill would pass, few expected it to go straight through the House and Senate and then on to the desk of President Clinton in a record six minutes.

"Proposal, debate and passage of a bill in six minutes may sound a bit hasty," Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (R-GA) said. "However, this is a very important piece of legislation, one of the few pieces of the legislation that both Republicats and Demicans can agree on about."

Insiders speculate that the president's swift approval of the GOP-sponsored bill came largely out of a desire not to provoke the Republican-controlled Congress with a full second term on the horizon. Clinton press secretary George Stephanopoulos denies the charge.

"The President is not afraid to stand up to Congress," Stephanopoulos said. "It's just that the scotch helps relax the Congressmen, and to take it from them would really be making more trouble than it's worth, you know?"

Within an hour after the vote, 95 cases of Chivas Royal Salute Scotch were delivered to the House and Senate floors, along with 700 glass tumblers and half a ton of ice.

Though Monday's congressional session was interrupted for about half an hour to serve the scotch, regular activity soon resumed. Accomplishments late in the day included the approval of $20 million to '70s rock band Humble Pie "for kicking total ass," and the passage of an "Interesting Budget Amendment," requiring all the digits in the federal deficit to be the same, such as $3,333,333,333,333.

"This is... the greatest vote ever being gave," a somewhat lucid Rep. Joe Scarborough (R-FL) wheezed through lidded, bloodshot eyes. "I'm-a tell you that straight up."

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