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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Congress Votes Itself More Scotch

WASHINGTON—In the largest self-allocation of liquor in its history, the U.S. Congress unanimously voted itself more scotch Monday.

Members of Congress unwind after the passage of "The Scotch Bill," which appropriates $120,000 per year to Congress for consumption of single-malt scotch whiskey. The bill took just six minutes to approve.

"It's unaminiss," said Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), announcing the bill's passage. "Let's have the eyes have it. All those in favor say, 'Yea.' All right, then."

According to the terms of HR-549.1(a), better known as "The Scotch Bill," $120,000 per year will be allocated to Congress for consumption of high-quality, single-malt scotch whiskey.

"We do like scotch, yes," Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-NY) said to reporters following the vote. "But if a little drink helps to clear our heads while we're at work, what's so bad about that? Right?"

Added Moynihan: "Morerer scotch."

Though most Capitol Hill insiders predicted the bill would pass, few expected it to go straight through the House and Senate and then on to the desk of President Clinton in a record six minutes.

"Proposal, debate and passage of a bill in six minutes may sound a bit hasty," Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (R-GA) said. "However, this is a very important piece of legislation, one of the few pieces of the legislation that both Republicats and Demicans can agree on about."

Insiders speculate that the president's swift approval of the GOP-sponsored bill came largely out of a desire not to provoke the Republican-controlled Congress with a full second term on the horizon. Clinton press secretary George Stephanopoulos denies the charge.

"The President is not afraid to stand up to Congress," Stephanopoulos said. "It's just that the scotch helps relax the Congressmen, and to take it from them would really be making more trouble than it's worth, you know?"

Within an hour after the vote, 95 cases of Chivas Royal Salute Scotch were delivered to the House and Senate floors, along with 700 glass tumblers and half a ton of ice.

Though Monday's congressional session was interrupted for about half an hour to serve the scotch, regular activity soon resumed. Accomplishments late in the day included the approval of $20 million to '70s rock band Humble Pie "for kicking total ass," and the passage of an "Interesting Budget Amendment," requiring all the digits in the federal deficit to be the same, such as $3,333,333,333,333.

"This is... the greatest vote ever being gave," a somewhat lucid Rep. Joe Scarborough (R-FL) wheezed through lidded, bloodshot eyes. "I'm-a tell you that straight up."

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