CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.
WASHINGTON, DC—Members of Congress wondered aloud yesterday whether or not they were supposed to follow up on former pitcher Roger Clemens' four-and-a-half hour testimony before the House Committee of Oversight and Reform or if "that whole thing was over." "Did we decide if we were actually going to do something with that? Or were we just, I don't know, asking?" Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD) asked fellow congressmen, adding that hopefully somebody wrote Clemens' testimony down just in case they do ever need it for anything. "I mean, nobody's said anything to me about it. I just saw him on television the other day and remembered he was here. That was Clemens that was here, yeah? Hey, why was he here anyway?" Cummings later asked if Clemens testified before Congress this year or last year, and was shocked to learn that his appearance was in fact just under two months ago.