Congress Wonders If It's Even Making A Difference Anymore

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Vol 36 Issue 14

Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status

SHEPPARD AFB, TX–"Corporal Green," an enigmatic but brilliant Air Force test pilot, was revealed to be a woman Monday, when she removed her flight helmet following a trial run of the new AF-50 Shadowhawk, rumored to be "the fastest thing on landing gears." "I was completely flabbergasted to discover that the cocky ace behind those death-defying barrel rolls and devil-may-care canyon strafes was, in fact, a woman–and a gorgeous one at that," Lieut. Col. Thomas Hagerty said. "The flight suits are sufficiently baggy that I never suspected it until she took off the helmet and shook her head, sending her long blonde hair cascading down her back." Hagerty noted that his recent statement that Green "has got solid-brass balls" is now steeped in irony.

New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once

CAMBRIDGE, MA–On what is now known as "Monday," a team of MIT scientists unveiled "time," a revolutionary new event-sequencing protocol which organizes phenomena along a four-dimensional axis, preventing everything from taking place at once. "No longer will the extinction of the dinosaurs, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and the Earth-Xabraxiq Pod Wars all collapse into a single point," theoretical physicist Dr. Lawrence Chang said. "With time, we can now contextualize each of the universe's infinite number of occurrences in its own spatial-temporal plane, creating order where there once was chaos." Added Dr. Erno Toffel: "Using time, one event can be positioned chronologically so as to be the cause of another. For example, a man's death may result in a gun being fired at him. Or the other way around. We're still working out some of the kinks."

Waiter Seriously Needs His Apps

INDEPENDENCE, MO–Twenty minutes after turning in table eight's order, T.G.I.Friday's waiter Eric Porcher announced Monday that he seriously needs his apps. "Still waiting on those apps, guys," Porcher shouted into the kitchen, hoping to spur the grill crew into swifter action on table eight's long-overdue appetizer order of Buffalo chicken strips and Jalapeño Poppers. "My four-top is short on apps." Five minutes later, Porcher added, "Still waiting on those chick strips and Poppers."

Teen Breaks Rules In Socially Accepted Ways

HACIENDA HEIGHTS, CA–Daniel Lindblad, 15, openly flouts societal conventions in a manner that will not get him in trouble, it was reported Monday. "I just got this T-shirt that's got a picture of Charles Manson with the swastika on his forehead," Lindblad said. "It's so fuckin' sick. I always wear a sweatshirt over it when my parents are around–they'd totally kill me if they saw it." Lindblad said he plans to pierce his nose and dye his hair blue this June, "the moment school lets out."

Report: Most Terrorists Do Not Start The Day Off With A Good Breakfast

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND–In a report that is prompting some to rethink the causes of terrorism, the World Health Organization announced Monday that a startling 96 percent of international terrorists do not start off the day with a good breakfast. "Very few of those who use violence to advance their radical agendas enjoy a healthy, well-balanced breakfast with selections from a variety of food groups," WHO director Johann Bruckhörst-Kliebe said. "These findings make it clear that when it comes to the problem of fighting terrorism, nutrition may play a far more important role than previously believed."

Jean Teasdale Living

Well, Jeanketeers, I've got a confession to make: For a while there, I wasn't following my trusty old axiom, "Keep smiling!" In fact, you could say that my frown practically dragged on the ground!

I'm Not A Wino, I'm A 'Why-Yes'!

I've sucked down a lot of booze in my 42 years. A hell of a lot. In fact, some would go so far as to call me a wino. But I've got no time for that kind of negativity. I'm not a wino... I'm a "why-yes"!

Watching N. Aeschylus Grow

It is a bitter-sweet season at the Zweibel mansion. Though my sweet betrothed, Miss Bernadette Fiske, has perished from a swooning fit brought on by extreme womanliness, her delicate, lithe-limbed beauty lives on in our square-headed, seven-foot-tall baby boy, N. Aeschylus. The clangor of his iron feet as he frolics about the mansion is just the tonic my nerves require. I had forgotten the wonder that is a Zweibel-child!

The Columbine Legacy

April 20 marks the one-year anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting. What is the legacy of this tragedy?
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Congress Wonders If It's Even Making A Difference Anymore

WASHINGTON, DC–With their second session well underway, members of the 106th U.S. Congress have fallen into a deep emotional malaise, openly questioning their effectiveness and ultimate usefulness to the nation.

Despondent federal legislators ponder their purpose.

"I dunno," U.S. Rep. Charles Stenholm (D-TX) said. "What's the point? Why make all these new laws, when the ones we've already passed haven't made a bit of difference?"

"I first ran for Congress to shake things up, to end the era of big government," Rep. Floyd Spence (R-SC) said. "So what did I do when I got elected? I immediately started joining all these subcommittees and forming alliances with senior House members in an effort to fit in. Pretty revolutionary, huh? I'm just like the rest of them."

Rep. David Dreier (R-CA) said he became overcome with feelings of worthlessness during last week's deliberation of H.R. 2372, a measure to simplify and expedite access to the federal courts for injured parties whose rights and privileges, secured by the Constitution, have been deprived by final actions of federal agencies, or other government officials or entities acting under color of state law.

"We're out there on the floor, debating the pros and cons of the thing, but I just wasn't into it at all," Dreier said. "Then it hits me: What does it matter if the stupid bill goes through or not? It's not like it's gonna change anything. H.R. 2372 won't make any more difference than H.R. 3843, which reauthorizes programs to assist small-business concerns, or H.R. 1000 to amend title 49, United States Code, to reauthorize programs of the Federal Aviation Administration and for other purposes."

Added Dreier: "Gee, those bills were really important. I'm sooo glad we passed those."

The growing despondency has not gone unnoticed. President Clinton noted that the few bills that have crossed his desk in the past month have typically been covered with doodles. On April 6, a New York Times editorial accusing House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) of sabotaging Medicare reform was met with the response, "Whatever." And on Friday, C-SPAN viewers were struck by the sight of all 435 House members listlessly staring out the window rather than engaging in debate.

The mood in the Senate is even worse. On NBC's Meet The Press last week, Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) told host Tim Russert: "All we ever do is vote on stuff that the House already passed. Why send it over to us if the larger body already passed it? Clinton'll probably just veto it anyway. No wonder McCain wanted out."

Seeking to boost congressional spirits, Clinton offered kind words for the legislative body in his weekly radio address.

"I'd just like to praise the terrific job our nation's congressmen have done over the past few months," Clinton said Sunday. "It can be really hard to do the same job, day in and day out, especially when you feel like no one is noticing. But let me assure both the House and the Senate that every piece of legislation you produce is appreciated and important, and bears your unique stamp. You have every right to be proud of the wonderful work that you and you alone can do."

Clinton said he has not ruled out taking the legislators on a "congressional cheer-up" trip to Busch Gardens in nearby Williamsburg.

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