adBlockCheck

Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached

Top Headlines

Politics

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached

WASHINGTON—As the shutdown of the federal government enters its second week, with legislators on both sides of the aisle having so far failed to bring a resolution to the negotiating table, sources confirmed Tuesday that Washington’s congressional aides have opted to withhold sex from their employers until a budget compromise is reached. “We were all hoping it would never come to this, but unless lawmakers agree to put aside their differences and get the government moving again, then any and all clandestine sexual intercourse with us is simply off the table,” said Allison Pereira, 26, personal aide to Rep. Tom Massie (R-KY) and just one of hundreds of Capitol Hill staffers who reportedly have resolved to deny the nation’s elected officials sexual favors of any kind until they hammer out an evenhanded federal budget agreement that resolves the Obamacare stalemate and ends the shutdown. “With hundreds of thousands of government employees out of work and the congressional process held hostage to partisan gridlock, we have no chance but to leverage our most powerful bargaining chip. So until they figure out a budget deal, sex is off. And that includes oral sex and hand jobs, by the way.” In the absence of gratification from their subordinates, sources confirmed that the sex boycott has forced all 535 U.S. senators and House representatives to avail themselves of D.C.’s various escort services and brothels, at an estimated cost to the American taxpayer of $6.2 million.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close