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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Congressman Fucks Own Wife Out Of Political Necessity

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking reelection in 2008, Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-TX) will limit himself to sexual activity with his wife, Libby. "I love my wife and would never do anything that would weaken our sacred bond of marriage, or reduce my constituents' faith in me," said Doggett, who faces fierce competition in the next election due to recent redistricting. "Libby's been right at my side, and instrumental in my political career, through all our years of marriage." Seeing no possible negative ramifications, Doggett allows himself to jerk off while thinking about Naomi Watts.

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