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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Connecticut Man Visited By Being From Another Time Zone

NORWALK, CT—Past met present Monday when Norwalk resident Tony Shearing was visited by his cousin, Paul Kulwicki, who resides in the state of Missouri in the U.S.'s Central Time Zone--a strange, alternate dimension where events occur one hour earlier than they do in Connecticut. "I suggested that we watch Seinfeld," Shearing told reporters, "and my cousin started going on about how Seinfeld ended a half-hour ago. Then I remembered that 9 p.m. in our world is like 8 p.m. in his science fiction-like realm." Deciding when to eat dinner was similarly bewildering for the cousins, requiring them to reach a compromise time of 6:30, when Kulwicki was not very hungry, yet Shearing was unusually so. "Watching Letterman at 11:35 with my cousin from the future is disorienting," Kulwicki said. "I hope I can acclimate myself to your bizarre shadow world."

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