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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Connecticut Man Visited By Being From Another Time Zone

NORWALK, CT—Past met present Monday when Norwalk resident Tony Shearing was visited by his cousin, Paul Kulwicki, who resides in the state of Missouri in the U.S.'s Central Time Zone--a strange, alternate dimension where events occur one hour earlier than they do in Connecticut. "I suggested that we watch Seinfeld," Shearing told reporters, "and my cousin started going on about how Seinfeld ended a half-hour ago. Then I remembered that 9 p.m. in our world is like 8 p.m. in his science fiction-like realm." Deciding when to eat dinner was similarly bewildering for the cousins, requiring them to reach a compromise time of 6:30, when Kulwicki was not very hungry, yet Shearing was unusually so. "Watching Letterman at 11:35 with my cousin from the future is disorienting," Kulwicki said. "I hope I can acclimate myself to your bizarre shadow world."

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