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Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Connor's Corner

Yesterday

Mayor Hallinan announced a new beautification plan for Central Avenue today. She pledged to personally donate two flats of annuals for the flower beds on the west side of the street to be planted as soon as the last freeze is over. The mayor is requesting that someone with a pickup will go with her to BJ's Nursery to pick the flowers up. (Calvin Etridge, how about you?) Hallinan also urged everyone to please respect the beautification project once it is put in place. "After we make everything nice, let's work to keep it that way," Hallinan said. "Everyone knows who I'm talking about so I might as well just say it. Tim Seidell, keep that dog out of those flowers."

Three days ago

I'm happy to announce a new feature on the WONN-5 Noon News called "For Purchase In Pennington." Each week I will highlight a different local product. Next time, I'll talk to Eric Perkins of Randy's Outdoor Furniture. (Randy is still in the hospital after the band-saw accident.)

Four days ago

Here's a little tip for WONN-5 viewers. Did you know you can find up-to-date WONN-5 programming schedules online? On a computer, go to www.tvguide.com/Listings and type in our zip code. Scroll down to channel 5 and there you go -- the listings for the entire week! Easy, huh?

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