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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Console Wars Heat Up As Zenith Unveils Gamespace Pro

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—With next-generation video game systems such as the Xbox One and the Playstation 4 hitting stores later this month, the console wars got even hotter today as electronics manufacturer Zenith announced the release of its own console, the Gamespace Pro, which arrives in stores Nov. 19. “With its sleek silver-and-gray box, double-analog-stick controllers, ability to play CDs, and starting price of $374.99, the Gamespace Pro is our way of saying, ‘Move over, Sony and Microsoft, Zenith is now officially a player in the console game,’” said Zenith CEO Michael Ahn at a Gamespace Pro press event, showcasing the system’s launch titles MoonChaser: Radiation, Cris Collinsworth’s Pigskin 2013, and survival-horror thriller InZomnia. “With over nine launch titles, 3D graphics, and the ability to log on to the internet using our Z-Connect technology, Zenith is finally poised to make some big waves in the video game world.” According to Zenith representatives, over 650 units have already been preordered.

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