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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Console Wars Heat Up As Zenith Unveils Gamespace Pro

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—With next-generation video game systems such as the Xbox One and the Playstation 4 hitting stores later this month, the console wars got even hotter today as electronics manufacturer Zenith announced the release of its own console, the Gamespace Pro, which arrives in stores Nov. 19. “With its sleek silver-and-gray box, double-analog-stick controllers, ability to play CDs, and starting price of $374.99, the Gamespace Pro is our way of saying, ‘Move over, Sony and Microsoft, Zenith is now officially a player in the console game,’” said Zenith CEO Michael Ahn at a Gamespace Pro press event, showcasing the system’s launch titles MoonChaser: Radiation, Cris Collinsworth’s Pigskin 2013, and survival-horror thriller InZomnia. “With over nine launch titles, 3D graphics, and the ability to log on to the internet using our Z-Connect technology, Zenith is finally poised to make some big waves in the video game world.” According to Zenith representatives, over 650 units have already been preordered.

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