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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Console Wars Heat Up As Zenith Unveils Gamespace Pro

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—With next-generation video game systems such as the Xbox One and the Playstation 4 hitting stores later this month, the console wars got even hotter today as electronics manufacturer Zenith announced the release of its own console, the Gamespace Pro, which arrives in stores Nov. 19. “With its sleek silver-and-gray box, double-analog-stick controllers, ability to play CDs, and starting price of $374.99, the Gamespace Pro is our way of saying, ‘Move over, Sony and Microsoft, Zenith is now officially a player in the console game,’” said Zenith CEO Michael Ahn at a Gamespace Pro press event, showcasing the system’s launch titles MoonChaser: Radiation, Cris Collinsworth’s Pigskin 2013, and survival-horror thriller InZomnia. “With over nine launch titles, 3D graphics, and the ability to log on to the internet using our Z-Connect technology, Zenith is finally poised to make some big waves in the video game world.” According to Zenith representatives, over 650 units have already been preordered.

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