Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Constitution Rapidly Ages Another 100 Years From Stress Of Repeated Crises

WASHINGTON—With yesterday’s dismissal of former FBI director James Comey serving as yet another burden on the historic document, the staff at the National Archives reported Wednesday that the U.S. Constitution had rapidly aged another 100 years from the stress of repeated crises. “All the strain it’s endured has really taken an awful toll on its appearance,” said archivist David Ferriero of the wrinkled, threadbare piece of legislation, adding that the accumulated tension from numerous attempts to undermine its status as the nation’s supreme law had caused the parchment to go completely white. “You can really see how all of these affronts to its essential role in our democracy have started to wear on it—you’d never believe a charter this broken down was only written in the late 18th century. I mean, no 226-year-old statement of legal principles should look like it’s almost 350.” Ferriero went on to say that, given all the Constitution had suffered through, he wouldn’t be surprised if it passed away well before its time.

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