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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Solemn visitors reflect on what the memorial's designers call "the greatest lie in American history."

Funded by donations from dozens of websites and fringe publishers, and dedicated to "the fearless amateur research and bold guesswork" of those seeking to "expose the secret machinations of the world's true puppet masters," the 7,000-square-foot monument has already attracted hundreds of visitors.

"It was a long time coming, but at last it's here," said Don Gustaf, a blogger who drove from Cincinnati to see the site. "This will stand forever in tribute to those who lost their lives the day clandestine CIA operatives used advanced wireless technology to electronically hijack a pair of 767s and remotely fly them into the World Trade Center."

Created by a design team who chose to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from the Bilderberg Group, the memorial has as its centerpiece the "Truth Towers," a 60-foot-tall replica of the World Trade Center that houses a museum devoted to unanswered questions surrounding the attacks. Below it lies a pentagonal reflecting pool from which emerge 18 steps leading to the base of the monument, with each stair intended to symbolize one of the 18 Great Lies of the 9/11 conspiracy.

"This is a place where Americans can come to reflect on the most elaborate hoax in our nation's history," said Carol Bowerman, 53, wiping away tears as she walked passed a 15-foot granite cylinder representing the cruise missile used to fake a plane crash at the Pentagon. "On this hallowed ground, those of us who refuse to accept the official version of events can mourn the day the United States was taken over by a crypto-fascist cabal more powerful than anyone can imagine."

"It's so moving," Bowerman added.

The museum is free and open to the public, though $10 is charged for admittance to the theater screening an endless 12-second loop of the building at World Trade Center 7 collapsing, an event a modulated voice-over describes as an obvious controlled demolition.

The collection also includes an interactive exhibit demonstrating how President Bush was able to calmly finish reading a book to second-graders on 9/11 because he knew about the strikes in advance and thus the news didn't alarm him in the slightest.

Response to the memorial from members of the truther community has been positive.

"A dozen brilliant lights—one for each of the 12 charges used to bring down the World Trade Center—boldly shine their truth upon our ignorant world," read a review of the memorial on the website IlluminatiFAQs.com. "Perhaps most profound is the eternal flame, placed directly beneath a beam of reinforced steel to remind us there's no way burning jet fuel can melt steel, as the main stream media would have us believe."

The reviewer goes on to state that even the convoluted landscaping suggests the way a labyrinthine network of federal agencies, defense contractors, and oil companies went to enormous lengths to make it look as though an Egyptian man leading a group of 15 Saudi Arabians had attacked the United States, then used this as a pretext for invading Iraq and Afghanistan to gain access to priceless Central Asian pipelines and begin devaluing the American dollar in preparation for an economic war with China that will plummet the global econ≠omy into a massive depression from which a single fascist corporate state will eventually emerge.

"Look, there's Joel," visitor Lance Mattson told reporters, pointing to a wall listing the names of the several thousand Jews who received advanced warning not to go into work on 9/11. "It's just so moving to think—hey, why are you asking so many questions, anyway? Who sent you here?"

"Oh my God, this is all part of it, isn't it?" Mattson added. "I should have known! This whole place is just another conspiracy to placate those brave enough to speak the truth."

Mattson then excused himself and rushed past a series of bronze bas-reliefs charting the connections between the Carlyle Group, Donald Rumsfeld, and the bin Laden family.

At press time, no members of the Trilateral Commission, New World Order, or the committee in charge of constructing the 9/11 memorial at the Ground Zero site in Lower Manhattan were available for comment.

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