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Marketing

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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Marketing

Consumer Entering That Awkward Age Between Target Demographics

SAN LEANDRO, CA—Acknowledging that he has reached a stage in his life when he doesn’t quite seem to fit in anywhere, marketing experts confirmed Monday that local consumer Keith Eberhardt, 34, is entering that awkward period of transition between target demographics. “Though Keith no longer fits in with most of his 18-to-34-year-old peers, it may be a while before he feels like he really belongs in the 35-to-49 demographic, and that can be a difficult time in a consumer’s life,” said Laura Washburn of KPG Digital Marketing, noting that while Eberhardt has grown out of mobile ad campaigns for energy drinks and UFC programming, he isn’t yet solidly part of the audience buying luxury automobiles and mortgage refinancing services. “It’s never easy being on the outside looking in, but Keith just hasn’t quite grown into a middle-aged adult with an income of $60,000 or more in his peak purchasing years. Until then, he’s probably going to feel a little bit overlooked by advertisers and branding experts. It’s something every college-educated, white, upper-middle-class male goes through.” Washburn added that Eberhardt will undergo a series of changes in the months ahead, explaining that he’ll likely start noticing ads for high-fiber cereals and whole-grain snacks and begin feeling things toward these products that he has never felt before.

Marketing

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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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