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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Consumers Now Required To Seek Treasury Department Approval On All Purchases Over $50

WASHINGTON—Disappointed with the way the nation has been managing its money, the Treasury Department announced Wednesday it had begun requiring citizens to seek government approval on all purchases over $50. "It's not that we don't trust people, but right now we're not seeing a lot of evidence suggesting they're capable of making these decisions on their own," Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said of the law requiring consumers to fill out a form at the point-of-sale listing the desired item, the total estimated cost, and the reason why they need it and why they need it now. "If, for example, you are a 32-year-old woman deep in credit card debt, we are going to need a compelling reason as to why you need a vintage rotary phone from Anthropologie." At press time, the department had denied Cleveland resident Jim Barnes' purchase of a Buffalo Springfield box set that he already had on cassette.

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