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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Consumers Now Required To Seek Treasury Department Approval On All Purchases Over $50

WASHINGTON—Disappointed with the way the nation has been managing its money, the Treasury Department announced Wednesday it had begun requiring citizens to seek government approval on all purchases over $50. "It's not that we don't trust people, but right now we're not seeing a lot of evidence suggesting they're capable of making these decisions on their own," Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said of the law requiring consumers to fill out a form at the point-of-sale listing the desired item, the total estimated cost, and the reason why they need it and why they need it now. "If, for example, you are a 32-year-old woman deep in credit card debt, we are going to need a compelling reason as to why you need a vintage rotary phone from Anthropologie." At press time, the department had denied Cleveland resident Jim Barnes' purchase of a Buffalo Springfield box set that he already had on cassette.

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