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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Contact Paper Beautifies Drawer Interior

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area of poetic beauty Tuesday with the application of contact paper purchased at a Pawtucket-area Big Lots store. "The interior of this drawer has entered a new era of attractive, green-and-yellow floral splendor," decorating expert Helen Bowles said. "Look for drawer three to dominate drawer-interior aesthetics for decades to come."

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