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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Contador Cleared Of Doping By International Cycling Federation's Doping-Clearing Board

MADRID—The ICF's Doping-Clearing Board has investigated and cleared 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador of all doping charges, allowing the three-time Tour champion to return to competition immediately, officials announced Monday. "We have concluded a full, in-depth investigation into Contador's case and summarily cleared him," said Doping-Clearing Board president Fernando Uruburu, who has previously been tasked with the investigations of Alessandro Petacchi, Lance Armstrong, and, on an earlier occasion in 2007, Contador—all of whom were cleared. "Of course, Contador's case is subject to review by the World Doping-Clearing Agency as well as the Spanish Doping-Clearing Council, but we fully expect them to clear him as well." The Doping-Clearing Board is still refusing to review the doping case of disgraced 2006 Tour winner Floyd Landis, who they claim is "a twerp."

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