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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Content Writer Awkwardly Shows Parents Around Website Where He Works

NEW YORK—Finally giving in to their requests to visit his place of employment, local content writer Adam Lundey awkwardly showed his parents around the website where he works, sources confirmed Thursday. “This is the home page, which is like the main area, but I generally spend most of my day to the side in the blog—that guy Doug I might’ve mentioned has that post right by mine,” said Lundey, whose tour of his workplace also included brief stops at the About Us page and the links index. “Over here’s the masthead, where most of the managers and VPs are. And, if you really want, I can take you guys to the back-end development system, but I usually don’t get over there very much.” At press time, despite their son’s protests, Lundey’s parents were insisting on dropping by the comments section.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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