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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Continental Sports Channel To Hold 10th Anniversary Memorial Service For 'Sports Night' Employees Killed On 9/11

NEW YORK—Citing a responsibility to honor coworkers lost on Sept. 11, 2001, Continental Sports Channel managing editor and former Sports Night executive producer Dana Whitaker announced that a memorial service would be held Sunday near the show’s former World Trade Center office. “When the first plane hit, instantly killing Dan [Rydell] and Casey [McCall], the show and our lives changed forever,” said Whitaker, adding that the memorial would especially be cathartic for the show’s current executive producer, Natalie Hurley-Goodwin, who lost her husband Jeremy when the studio’s editing bay was engulfed in flames. “So many members of the CSC family are now gone: the entire crew; [CSC ratings adviser] Sam [Donovan], who was actually on one of the planes; and Sally Sasser who, even though she wanted my job and slept with Casey, did put on a very polished West Coast Update. And poor Isaac. With the complications he was suffering as a result of his stroke, he never had a chance of making it out.” Whitaker added that she is still having trouble finding the right balance between her personal and professional life.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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