adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Continued Existence Of Edible Arrangements Disproves Central Tenets Of Capitalism

Economists say the franchise "goes against all we previously held to be true about the concept of supply and demand."
Economists say the franchise "goes against all we previously held to be true about the concept of supply and demand."

WALLINGFORD, CT—Upending more than two centuries of free-market theory, leading economists across the globe announced Thursday that the fundamental principles of capitalism had been "irrefutably disproved" by the continued existence of the designer fruit-basket company Edible Arrangements.

According to experts, the Connecticut-based franchise, which arranges skewered pieces of fruit into displays vaguely resembling floral bouquets, has defied all modern economic models, expanding continuously for the past decade despite its complete lack of any discernible consumer appeal.

"In theory, the market should have done away with Edible Arrangements long ago," said American Economic Association president Orley Ashenfelter, who added that one of the crucial assumptions of capitalism is the idea that businesses producing undesired goods or services will fail. "That's how it's supposed to work. Yet somehow, despite offering no product of any worth whatsoever, this company not only makes payroll every week, but also generates strong profits."

"It's mind-boggling," Ashenfelter continued. "I honestly have never even heard the name Edible Arrangements mentioned in conversation before. Seriously, has anyone?"

Economists say the contents of this basket disprove everything contained in the writings of Adam Smith.

Upon examining the so-called Edible Arrangements paradox, economists worldwide have abandoned many of the ideas that have dominated economic thought since the time of Adam Smith, arguing that the forces of supply and demand are powerless to explain the company's 45-piece line of officially licensed NASCAR-themed fruit bouquets.

"To understand this enigma, we must discard the naïve notion that free-market prices reflect what consumers are willing to pay," Nobel laureate Joseph Stiglitz said. "Otherwise, how else are we to rationalize the phenomenon of a human being willingly spending 84 bucks on 18 green apple wedges and a Mylar balloon?"

An unofficial survey conducted by Stiglitz found that not one of the AEA's 18,000 members had ever purchased or received an Edible Arrangement or knew of anyone who had, indicating that the franchise was operating in "some advanced realm of economics" in which the so-called profit motive no longer applied.

Even many of the nation's staunchest neoliberal economists, who have long advocated laissez-faire policies, acknowledged that the ideas of F.A. Hayek, Ludwig von Mises, and Milton Friedman cannot account for how Edible Arrangements operates from more than 1,000 locations in 13 countries, including Hong Kong, Italy, India, and Kuwait.

"Clearly the invisible hand has led us astray when it allows for the continued existence of a store that manufactures 'Sympathy Blossoms' of chocolate-dipped orange slices for funerals and wakes," said N. Gregory Mankiw, a former economic adviser to George W. Bush. "And when people are buying 3,000 'Orange You Gonna Feel Better Soon?' bouquets a day, the idea of consumers as 'rational actors' goes out the window pretty fast."

Harboring doubts that such a business could generate $200 million in annual revenue, the Department of Commerce last year launched an investigation into whether Edible Arrangements served as a front for some sort of illicit trade. Internal reports reveal agents uncovered nothing illegal, and were instead "absolutely stunned" to find real, functioning storefronts with paid employees, computers for tracking actual orders, and stockrooms packed with honeydew melon balls and pineapple slices cut into the shape of butterflies.

"It defies all logic," Commerce Secretary Gary Locke said of the company's gift bouquets. "These things are like six pounds of cantaloupe—who could possibly eat that much? And they're already cut up, so you have to eat them quick or throw the whole thing out. For Christ's sake, Americans don't even eat fruit."

In spite of lingering bewilderment at the company's success, economists have reportedly pledged to work together to develop a new and more encompassing theory of global markets

"Right now, we just have to accept the fact that Edible Arrangements exists and is, somehow, a part of our current economic reality," said Ashenfelter, while perusing the company's online store. "Besides, my mom's birthday is coming up and, now that I'm seeing these, I think she might really like this one with the teddy bear on it."

More from this section

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close