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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Control Of Russia Given To Random Flock Of Geese

MOSCOW—Exhausted after years of failed attempts to establish order out of political and economic chaos, Russian officials finally gave up Wednesday, ceding power to a flock of geese that happened to be flying over the Kremlin.

Prime Minister Sergei Kiriyenko and President Boris Yeltsin formally cede power to "Freddy," a representative of the flock of geese that will now lead Russia.

"To hell with this," Russian President Boris Yeltsin said. "I have no idea how to establish a free-market democracy. From now on, the geese will lead us."

In a historic ceremony, Yeltsin laid a gavel symbolizing control of the Russian Duma at the feet of the geese, who signified their acceptance by preening and glancing about.

Outgoing Prime Minister Sergei Kiriyenko said he is unsure which goose is the leader of the flock and, by extension, Russia. "When we saw them flying, we assumed the leader was the goose at the head of their V-formation. But when they landed, we lost track of which one it was."

The geese themselves have not been forthcoming in identifying a leader. "They mostly flap their wings and peck at little bits of bread," Kiriyenko said.

The geese's first official action as leaders of Russia was to walk around Red Square, avoiding pedestrians and periodically honking at one another.

"We are not sure the meaning of this act," Kiriyenko said, "But they did it with a great air of unity and purpose."

Next on the geese's agenda is a Geneva arms summit which President Clinton and the leaders of five other industrialized nations are scheduled to attend. "I very much hope the geese can secure a lasting peace in the global community," Yeltsin said.

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