adBlockCheck

Control Of Russia Given To Random Flock Of Geese

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Originality

Control Of Russia Given To Random Flock Of Geese

MOSCOW—Exhausted after years of failed attempts to establish order out of political and economic chaos, Russian officials finally gave up Wednesday, ceding power to a flock of geese that happened to be flying over the Kremlin.

Prime Minister Sergei Kiriyenko and President Boris Yeltsin formally cede power to "Freddy," a representative of the flock of geese that will now lead Russia.

"To hell with this," Russian President Boris Yeltsin said. "I have no idea how to establish a free-market democracy. From now on, the geese will lead us."

In a historic ceremony, Yeltsin laid a gavel symbolizing control of the Russian Duma at the feet of the geese, who signified their acceptance by preening and glancing about.

Outgoing Prime Minister Sergei Kiriyenko said he is unsure which goose is the leader of the flock and, by extension, Russia. "When we saw them flying, we assumed the leader was the goose at the head of their V-formation. But when they landed, we lost track of which one it was."

The geese themselves have not been forthcoming in identifying a leader. "They mostly flap their wings and peck at little bits of bread," Kiriyenko said.

The geese's first official action as leaders of Russia was to walk around Red Square, avoiding pedestrians and periodically honking at one another.

"We are not sure the meaning of this act," Kiriyenko said, "But they did it with a great air of unity and purpose."

Next on the geese's agenda is a Geneva arms summit which President Clinton and the leaders of five other industrialized nations are scheduled to attend. "I very much hope the geese can secure a lasting peace in the global community," Yeltsin said.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close