adBlockCheck

International

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
End Of Section
  • More News

Control Of Russia Given To Random Flock Of Geese

MOSCOW—Exhausted after years of failed attempts to establish order out of political and economic chaos, Russian officials finally gave up Wednesday, ceding power to a flock of geese that happened to be flying over the Kremlin.

Prime Minister Sergei Kiriyenko and President Boris Yeltsin formally cede power to "Freddy," a representative of the flock of geese that will now lead Russia.

"To hell with this," Russian President Boris Yeltsin said. "I have no idea how to establish a free-market democracy. From now on, the geese will lead us."

In a historic ceremony, Yeltsin laid a gavel symbolizing control of the Russian Duma at the feet of the geese, who signified their acceptance by preening and glancing about.

Outgoing Prime Minister Sergei Kiriyenko said he is unsure which goose is the leader of the flock and, by extension, Russia. "When we saw them flying, we assumed the leader was the goose at the head of their V-formation. But when they landed, we lost track of which one it was."

The geese themselves have not been forthcoming in identifying a leader. "They mostly flap their wings and peck at little bits of bread," Kiriyenko said.

The geese's first official action as leaders of Russia was to walk around Red Square, avoiding pedestrians and periodically honking at one another.

"We are not sure the meaning of this act," Kiriyenko said, "But they did it with a great air of unity and purpose."

Next on the geese's agenda is a Geneva arms summit which President Clinton and the leaders of five other industrialized nations are scheduled to attend. "I very much hope the geese can secure a lasting peace in the global community," Yeltsin said.

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close