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Controversial Sabermetrician Posits That There Is No Such Thing As Baseball

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Controversial Sabermetrician Posits That There Is No Such Thing As Baseball

NEW YORK—Saying that there are no pitchers, fielders, or batters, only numbers and statistics, radical sabermetrician Kyle Osterman theorized Wednesday that there is no such thing as baseball.

"Some say people wear gloves.

Do they? Why? There is no ball. There is only the curvilinear progression of the ball," said Osterman, who later broke down Bill Mazeroski's World Series–winning home run into nothing more than a combination of likelihood estimates that are systematically null and void because, as Osterman said, "There really was no such thing as Bill Mazeroski." "Everything that happens on the field is part of a predetermined numbers matrix. Every final outcome is fixed, so ultimately, there can be no game." Osterman then cracked open a beer and proceeded to watch the Red Sox play the Tampa Bay Rays on ESPN.

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