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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Convention-Goer Has High Hopes For Hilarious Name Tag

CUMBERLAND, RI—In keeping with a tradition he started nine years ago, Bearing Service & Supply sales representative Steve Carlson told reporters Thursday that he will once again don a humorous name tag at this weekend's annual Rhode Island Fluid Power Distributors convention.

Carlson with a framed replica of his popular 2002 name-tag design.

According to the 44-year-old, his sidesplitting name tag will not only be the highlight of the convention, but will ultimately lead to increased sales of industrial hose connectors with M23 thread locking and internal strain relief.

"I'll admit I have a reputation for making some pretty hilarious name tags," said Carlson, who started relatively small when he debuted "Steve-O" at the 1997 convention. "But this is the 10th anniversary, so this needs to be one for the ages."

"People will be expecting something hysterical," he added, noting that he set the bar high with last year's name tag, in which he replaced the two lowercase e's in his first name—one with Pac-Man and the other with Ms. Pac-Man.

Though Carlson would not divulge his idea for the 2007 design for fear of ruining it, the husband and father of two said he was certain his plan for the 2-by-3 inch, self-adhesive name tag would be appreciated for its cleverness, its creativity, and, most importantly, its ability to induce uproarious laughter.

"2007's [name tag] will be more conceptual," Carlson said. "I think the convention is ready for that."

Carlson stated that his humor has, over the years, ranged from subtle—1999's model in which he added the Roman numerals "XV" after his last name—to completely outrageous, like 2001's gut-busting configuration of five name tags plastered across his chest, spelling out "S-T-E-V-E."

"I had to go all out that year," Carlson said. "It was after 9/11 and people needed to laugh."

According to Carlson, a humorous convention name tag is not only a conversation starter, but also an indispensable tool for putting others at ease, making them more susceptible to a friendly conversation about purchasing higher-end, sub-miniature connectors.

"Folks in this business tend to be a pretty serious bunch," said Carlson, who credits his 2005 sale of 7,000 hose connectors with quick bayonet locking solely to his decision to label himself Hulk Hogan for the entirety of the two-day convention. "My name tags remind them that just because we are talking about transparent bend protection sleeves doesn't mean we can't have a little fun, too."

Though the vast majority of his name tags have "gone over huge," Carlson admitted 2003's model rubbed some convention-goers the wrong way. That particular year, Carlson crossed off the o in the "Hello, My Name Is" section of the label, causing it to read, "Hell, My Name Is."

"I figured I'd built up enough of a positive reputation that I could do something a little more edgy," Carlson said. "But some people were offended by it. That was an important lesson for me. There's only so far you can push the envelope sometimes."

Accompanying Carlson to the convention for the first time this year will be his wife, Sharon Carlson, who over the past decade has served as a sounding board for her husband's name-tag plans.

"Steve's a real kook," Mrs. Carlson said. "He's actually not that funny in person, though. I think he saves it for the name tags."

Friends and interested colleagues are invited to join Carlson this Saturday for the 2007 design's unveiling, which will be held at the registration desk immediately following the 9 a.m. Kickoff Welcome Breakfast.

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