Conventional Love Affair Breaks None Of The Rules

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Conventional Love Affair Breaks None Of The Rules

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A thoroughly ordinary love affair between Chicago-area suburbanites Stephen and Denise Feeney has broken none of the rules, shocking no one with its non-torrid abandon and lack of forbidden passion, it was reported Tuesday.

A Christmas 1997 photo of Stephen and Denise Feeney, whose run-of-the-mill love is no different from that of millions of other couples.

According to those familiar with the couple, the stable relationship between Stephen, 27, a Xerox copier-sales account manager, and Denise, 26, a buyer for Sears, continues to plod along steadily, provoking no vows of revenge from interloping outsiders sworn to keep the two apart at all costs.

The partnership between the at-times somewhat-enthusiastic lovers is expected to continue on its current, mild path for years and is unlikely ever to end in star-crossed, tragic heartbreak.

"My family has been very supportive of my marriage to Stephen," said Denise, speaking to reporters while doing a crossword puzzle in the mid-sized kitchen of the couple's mid-priced home. "They're always polite to him when we visit on holidays, so I guess they must like him well enough. They've never really said much about it, so, to the best of my knowledge, I'm not defying them in any way."

Many times, a blossoming love affair flouts conventionally held beliefs, daring to boldly violate taboos in its furious, fevered pursuit of ecstatic union. Such is not the case, however, with the Feeneys' romance. From the moment they met while working summer jobs for the same Elgin, IL, catering company in 1991, they have followed the path of sober propriety, achieving partially consuming intimacy by exercising caution and reserve, keeping a clear head at all times, and taking care to avoid rash, possibly regrettable decisions.

"When we got married, we decided to wait until I established myself as a regional assistant at Xerox before having our first child, Jessica, who is four now," Stephen said. "And once we could afford the down payment on a decent house in one of the better neighborhoods, we went ahead with our second child, little Bradley. It's important to start a family relatively early if you want to be able to give your kids the benefit of your prime years."

Stephen noted that, in choosing a neighborhood, he and Denise looked closely at the quality of the local schools. He also stressed the importance of timely diphtheria vaccinations.

The couple's level-headedness had been evident long before their wedding: A month after she and Stephen started dating, Denise sidestepped a potentially messy situation by quitting her community swing choir rather than pursuing a crush she had on a fellow member of the ensemble.

"I'm so glad I did the right thing," she said. "Stephen has proven to be a reliable provider for our family unit. Sticking with him has proven extremely well-advised in the long run."

Responding to a reporter's question, Denise said Stephen has never serenaded her from the street below her window, waking and angering the neighbors with a loud demonstration of the depth of his eternal love for her. "No, he's never done that," she said. "He did sing to me once, though, when I asked him to help me remember how the theme from PM Magazine went."

When asked if he kept any strands of Denise's hair under lock and key in a family-heirloom locket that he held close to his heart on a golden chain at all times like a precious treasure, Stephen said, "I don't really keep anything like that lying around, no. But I do have the receipts from our first shared credit card. They're in the filing cabinet in the den. Does that count?"