adBlockCheck

Conventional Love Affair Breaks None Of The Rules

Top Headlines

Local

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Conventional Love Affair Breaks None Of The Rules

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A thoroughly ordinary love affair between Chicago-area suburbanites Stephen and Denise Feeney has broken none of the rules, shocking no one with its non-torrid abandon and lack of forbidden passion, it was reported Tuesday.

A Christmas 1997 photo of Stephen and Denise Feeney, whose run-of-the-mill love is no different from that of millions of other couples.

According to those familiar with the couple, the stable relationship between Stephen, 27, a Xerox copier-sales account manager, and Denise, 26, a buyer for Sears, continues to plod along steadily, provoking no vows of revenge from interloping outsiders sworn to keep the two apart at all costs.

The partnership between the at-times somewhat-enthusiastic lovers is expected to continue on its current, mild path for years and is unlikely ever to end in star-crossed, tragic heartbreak.

"My family has been very supportive of my marriage to Stephen," said Denise, speaking to reporters while doing a crossword puzzle in the mid-sized kitchen of the couple's mid-priced home. "They're always polite to him when we visit on holidays, so I guess they must like him well enough. They've never really said much about it, so, to the best of my knowledge, I'm not defying them in any way."

Many times, a blossoming love affair flouts conventionally held beliefs, daring to boldly violate taboos in its furious, fevered pursuit of ecstatic union. Such is not the case, however, with the Feeneys' romance. From the moment they met while working summer jobs for the same Elgin, IL, catering company in 1991, they have followed the path of sober propriety, achieving partially consuming intimacy by exercising caution and reserve, keeping a clear head at all times, and taking care to avoid rash, possibly regrettable decisions.

"When we got married, we decided to wait until I established myself as a regional assistant at Xerox before having our first child, Jessica, who is four now," Stephen said. "And once we could afford the down payment on a decent house in one of the better neighborhoods, we went ahead with our second child, little Bradley. It's important to start a family relatively early if you want to be able to give your kids the benefit of your prime years."

Stephen noted that, in choosing a neighborhood, he and Denise looked closely at the quality of the local schools. He also stressed the importance of timely diphtheria vaccinations.

The couple's level-headedness had been evident long before their wedding: A month after she and Stephen started dating, Denise sidestepped a potentially messy situation by quitting her community swing choir rather than pursuing a crush she had on a fellow member of the ensemble.

"I'm so glad I did the right thing," she said. "Stephen has proven to be a reliable provider for our family unit. Sticking with him has proven extremely well-advised in the long run."

Responding to a reporter's question, Denise said Stephen has never serenaded her from the street below her window, waking and angering the neighbors with a loud demonstration of the depth of his eternal love for her. "No, he's never done that," she said. "He did sing to me once, though, when I asked him to help me remember how the theme from PM Magazine went."

When asked if he kept any strands of Denise's hair under lock and key in a family-heirloom locket that he held close to his heart on a golden chain at all times like a precious treasure, Stephen said, "I don't really keep anything like that lying around, no. But I do have the receipts from our first shared credit card. They're in the filing cabinet in the den. Does that count?"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close