adBlockCheck

Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis

RACINE, WI—Though she considers herself a close and loyal confidante, 28-year-old Amanda Willets admitted Tuesday that unless her longtime friend Courtney Saunders, 29, is in the throes of panic, heartbreak, or a physical illness, the two have very little to discuss. “We can easily talk for hours about a disagreement between her and her mother, or the veiled insults she thinks are directed at her by a colleague, but as soon as things start looking up in her life we kind of hit a wall,” Willets said, referring to the halting and uninteresting conversations the two engage in once Saunders’ various health scares, family dramas, financial emergencies, and existential crises have been exhausted. “Yesterday, for instance, things seemed to be going pretty well for her, so we awkwardly chatted about Orange Is The New Black for a few minutes and then just found an excuse to get off the phone. It’s uncomfortable right now, but knowing Courtney, it won’t be long before she completely freaks out about how her landlord is raising her rent or how another one of her high school friends got engaged while she’s still alone, and our talks will pick up again.” At press time, Willets breathed a sigh of relief and cleared her afternoon schedule after receiving a text from Saunders saying “sooo annoyed, please call.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close