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Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis

RACINE, WI—Though she considers herself a close and loyal confidante, 28-year-old Amanda Willets admitted Tuesday that unless her longtime friend Courtney Saunders, 29, is in the throes of panic, heartbreak, or a physical illness, the two have very little to discuss. “We can easily talk for hours about a disagreement between her and her mother, or the veiled insults she thinks are directed at her by a colleague, but as soon as things start looking up in her life we kind of hit a wall,” Willets said, referring to the halting and uninteresting conversations the two engage in once Saunders’ various health scares, family dramas, financial emergencies, and existential crises have been exhausted. “Yesterday, for instance, things seemed to be going pretty well for her, so we awkwardly chatted about Orange Is The New Black for a few minutes and then just found an excuse to get off the phone. It’s uncomfortable right now, but knowing Courtney, it won’t be long before she completely freaks out about how her landlord is raising her rent or how another one of her high school friends got engaged while she’s still alone, and our talks will pick up again.” At press time, Willets breathed a sigh of relief and cleared her afternoon schedule after receiving a text from Saunders saying “sooo annoyed, please call.”

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