Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 25

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

Archaeologists working at an ancient campsite in Alicante, Spain discovered a pile of poop left by Neanderthals 50,000 years ago, which revealed that they were not strict carnivores as previously believed, but also ate plant matter.

Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back

The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...

Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirme...

Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer

According to a new study from the Boston University School of Medicine, women who naturally conceive and give birth to their last child after age 33 are twice as likely to live to age 95 as those who give birth to their last child before age 30.

Most Popular Fitness Trends

Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as Americans look for new and engaging ways to lose weight, get in shape, and build muscle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Innovation

Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis

RACINE, WI—Though she considers herself a close and loyal confidante, 28-year-old Amanda Willets admitted Tuesday that unless her longtime friend Courtney Saunders, 29, is in the throes of panic, heartbreak, or a physical illness, the two have very little to discuss. “We can easily talk for hours about a disagreement between her and her mother, or the veiled insults she thinks are directed at her by a colleague, but as soon as things start looking up in her life we kind of hit a wall,” Willets said, referring to the halting and uninteresting conversations the two engage in once Saunders’ various health scares, family dramas, financial emergencies, and existential crises have been exhausted. “Yesterday, for instance, things seemed to be going pretty well for her, so we awkwardly chatted about Orange Is The New Black for a few minutes and then just found an excuse to get off the phone. It’s uncomfortable right now, but knowing Courtney, it won’t be long before she completely freaks out about how her landlord is raising her rent or how another one of her high school friends got engaged while she’s still alone, and our talks will pick up again.” At press time, Willets breathed a sigh of relief and cleared her afternoon schedule after receiving a text from Saunders saying “sooo annoyed, please call.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More