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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis

RACINE, WI—Though she considers herself a close and loyal confidante, 28-year-old Amanda Willets admitted Tuesday that unless her longtime friend Courtney Saunders, 29, is in the throes of panic, heartbreak, or a physical illness, the two have very little to discuss. “We can easily talk for hours about a disagreement between her and her mother, or the veiled insults she thinks are directed at her by a colleague, but as soon as things start looking up in her life we kind of hit a wall,” Willets said, referring to the halting and uninteresting conversations the two engage in once Saunders’ various health scares, family dramas, financial emergencies, and existential crises have been exhausted. “Yesterday, for instance, things seemed to be going pretty well for her, so we awkwardly chatted about Orange Is The New Black for a few minutes and then just found an excuse to get off the phone. It’s uncomfortable right now, but knowing Courtney, it won’t be long before she completely freaks out about how her landlord is raising her rent or how another one of her high school friends got engaged while she’s still alone, and our talks will pick up again.” At press time, Willets breathed a sigh of relief and cleared her afternoon schedule after receiving a text from Saunders saying “sooo annoyed, please call.”

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