Converse High Tops Reveal TV Character's Eccentric Personality

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Vol 36 Issue 06

Witty Remark Repeated Throughout Week

HIBBING, MN–According to coworkers at Hibbing Vacuum Repair & Supply, all week long, Ed Andersen has been repeating a witty remark he made Monday. The original quip surfaced when Andersen spotted ordinarily dowdy coworker Jim Billick sporting a tie and remarked, "Hot date tonight, Jimbo?" Later that day, Andersen saw Billick in the break room and told coworker Lydia Samuels, "Old loverboy here's got a hot date tonight." When Billick arrived at work Tuesday, Andersen asked him, "So, how'd your hot date go?"

Cocktail-Party Guest Cornered By Joel Stein

NEW YORK–An innocent Upper West Side cocktail party turned tragic Tuesday, when journalist Michael Conlon found himself cornered by Time magazine columnist Joel Stein. "There I was, making light conversation and sipping a dry white wine, when, all of a sudden, I heard those four fateful words: 'Hi, I'm Joel Stein,'" a visibly shaken Conlon said following the 45-minute ordeal. "We covered a wide range of topics, from Joel Stein's favorite restaurants to Joel Stein's dating prospects, to anecdotes about famous people Joel Stein had met." According to witnesses, Stein paused briefly at several intervals to make sure Conlon was still nodding politely before launching back into his otherwise non-stop conversational stream. Conlon is said to be "recovering well" after an overnight stay at Mt. Sinai Hospital and should return to the cocktail-party circuit by early next week.

Innocent Man Unrepentant

WARNER ROBINS, GA–Dwayne Worley, wrongly accused in the brutal Feb. 11 slaying of two Warner Robins teens, showed "not the slightest remorse" during cross-examination by prosecutors Monday. Witnesses at the trial said the innocent man denied all wrongdoing in "a flat, unemotional voice that displayed not a trace of regret or shame." Said prosecutor Russell Sharp: "Worley is a monster, an inhuman monster. What kind of man could react so indifferently to such brutality?" Worley, who calmly repeated that he was at a friend's house at the time of the double homicide, was likened to such sociopaths as Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler by a psychiatric expert called upon to evaluate his mental state. If convicted, Worley is expected to face the death penalty.

Area 31-Year-Old Can't Believe 'You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes' Sign Up To 1982

KIRKLAND, WA–Purchasing a pack of Camel Reds at a local convenience store, 31-year-old Kirkland resident Andy Belfour announced Monday that he "can't fucking believe" the "You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes" sign is already up to 1982. "Christ, I was a freshman in high school in '82," Belfour said. "Now, kids born that year are old enough to smoke? God, I feel so old." Belfour went on to recall that 1982 was the year The Replacements Stink came out, an album he bought on vinyl and played that whole summer while dating Alison Haiduk, his first girlfriend. He then ran his hands through his thinning hair.

My Mind Is As Sharp As It Ever Was

As I grow increasingly ancient, and therefore more prone to the rapacious violations of that great pervert Father Time, I become imprisoned in my own loath-some flesh. My fore-arms have mostly succumbed to the leprosy, my iron dentures periodically rust together, and, just yesterday, I was awakened from a sound sleep by the concussive gun-shot sounds of boils bursting off my calves.

Who Wants To Be A Jeanketeer?

Okay, kids, sharpen your pencils and get out a piece of paper, because it's pop-quiz time! I know, I know: You're all thinking, "Pop quiz? We read Jean's column as an escape from our dreary day-to-day routine! Now she wants us to take a boring old pop quiz?" But, hey, it's not a quiz about the chemical elements or who fought in the Civil War or anything. It's none other than the First Annual Jean Teasdale Trivia Challenge!

Stop Smoking Tips

Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit.

That Female Looks Capable Of Passing On My Genetic Material

Whoa, mama. Time out. Will you take a look at what just stepped up to the bar? Those hips. Those legs. Those breasts. That is one seriously fine-looking woman. I can think of a few things I could do with a body like that, no doubt. Yes, sir, now there's a female of my species who'd be more than capable of passing on my genetic material.
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Race Relations

Converse High Tops Reveal TV Character's Eccentric Personality

LOS ANGELES–"Wally," the wacky-neighbor character on the ABC sitcom Mixing It Up, is identifiable as offbeat and eccentric by his red Converse "Chuck Taylor" high tops, it was reported Monday. "Wally is what you might call 'out there,'" producer David Dahl said. "He's the type of guy who marches to the beat of a different drummer. If you have any doubt, please direct your attention to his footwear." Dahl said Wally was originally supposed to wear one red high top and one blue one, but "we decided that would be going too far."

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