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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison

OLNEY SPRINGS, CO—After being tried and convicted of armed robbery and two counts of aggravated assault, local 24-year-old Elijah Rudin was officially sentenced Friday to generating $80,000 to $100,000 in profits for the privately held Crowley County Correctional Facility. “The defendant is hereby ordered to create a minimum of $80,000 in net profits at a medium security prison owned and operated by the CoreCivic corporation,” said Judge Gary Mueller, adding that Rudin will be processed the following day at Crowley County prison, where he will remain incarcerated until he has produced at least a 1.25 percent increase in CoreCivic’s stock valuation. “I believe this sentence is an appropriate punishment given the nature of Mr. Rudin’s crimes, the harm caused to his victims, and the fact that Crowley County Prison will qualify for a generous government stipend for housing a minimum number of inmates, per the terms of CoreCivic’s contract with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I sincerely hope, Mr. Rudin, you now fully understand the consequences of your actions.” Mueller went on to clarify that Rudin will eventually be eligible for parole on condition of good quarterly earnings.

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