adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison

OLNEY SPRINGS, CO—After being tried and convicted of armed robbery and two counts of aggravated assault, local 24-year-old Elijah Rudin was officially sentenced Friday to generating $80,000 to $100,000 in profits for the privately held Crowley County Correctional Facility. “The defendant is hereby ordered to create a minimum of $80,000 in net profits at a medium security prison owned and operated by the CoreCivic corporation,” said Judge Gary Mueller, adding that Rudin will be processed the following day at Crowley County prison, where he will remain incarcerated until he has produced at least a 1.25 percent increase in CoreCivic’s stock valuation. “I believe this sentence is an appropriate punishment given the nature of Mr. Rudin’s crimes, the harm caused to his victims, and the fact that Crowley County Prison will qualify for a generous government stipend for housing a minimum number of inmates, per the terms of CoreCivic’s contract with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I sincerely hope, Mr. Rudin, you now fully understand the consequences of your actions.” Mueller went on to clarify that Rudin will eventually be eligible for parole on condition of good quarterly earnings.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close