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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Cooking Tips

Becoming a great cook is easier than you might think.

Here are some tips to help you become a whiz in the kitchen:


  • To ensure that you always use the freshest ingredients, keep a live pig on hand.
  • The general rule of thumb for vinegar is: The browner, the better. If all you have is buck-a-gallon white vinegar, toss in some soy sauce or a brown Magic Marker.
  • There is an elusive-yet-distinct quality that separates the great cooks from the merely average ones. That quality is "Wessonality."
  • You'd be amazed by the number of great recipes that can be found on the backs of cans, bottles, and boxes. Just make sure the can, bottle, or box doesn't contain Pennzoil, hydrogen peroxide, or Sakrete™ instant concrete.
  • Do not thaw frozen fish in milk or do anything else Julia Child says. She high.
  • If you are a man, you deserve to be gushed over just for reading these cooking tips. That's so great!
  • Cooking can be very dangerous, due to the use of fire, knives, and electrical appliances. Only cook under the careful supervision of your Living Skills coach.
  • Stone soup gets its fullest, heartiest flavor from sandstone or dark shale. Igneous and metamorphic stones tend to overwhelm the flavor of the vegetables.
  • Remember this oft-overlooked cooking secret: The toaster lever can be pushed down again if your bread is not sufficiently brown.
  • McDonald's is the world's most popular restaurant chain, so its food must be the best. Study McDonald's food as a template for your own.
  • Remember: With passion and the right attitude, anyone can cook. Wait, that's "play punk rock." Never mind.

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