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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Cooking Tips

Becoming a great cook is easier than you might think.

Here are some tips to help you become a whiz in the kitchen:


  • To ensure that you always use the freshest ingredients, keep a live pig on hand.
  • The general rule of thumb for vinegar is: The browner, the better. If all you have is buck-a-gallon white vinegar, toss in some soy sauce or a brown Magic Marker.
  • There is an elusive-yet-distinct quality that separates the great cooks from the merely average ones. That quality is "Wessonality."
  • You'd be amazed by the number of great recipes that can be found on the backs of cans, bottles, and boxes. Just make sure the can, bottle, or box doesn't contain Pennzoil, hydrogen peroxide, or Sakrete™ instant concrete.
  • Do not thaw frozen fish in milk or do anything else Julia Child says. She high.
  • If you are a man, you deserve to be gushed over just for reading these cooking tips. That's so great!
  • Cooking can be very dangerous, due to the use of fire, knives, and electrical appliances. Only cook under the careful supervision of your Living Skills coach.
  • Stone soup gets its fullest, heartiest flavor from sandstone or dark shale. Igneous and metamorphic stones tend to overwhelm the flavor of the vegetables.
  • Remember this oft-overlooked cooking secret: The toaster lever can be pushed down again if your bread is not sufficiently brown.
  • McDonald's is the world's most popular restaurant chain, so its food must be the best. Study McDonald's food as a template for your own.
  • Remember: With passion and the right attitude, anyone can cook. Wait, that's "play punk rock." Never mind.
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