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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Cool Ashtray Found

HAMTRAMCK, MI–An afternoon trip to the Joseph Campau Street St. Vincent's thrift shop netted a cool ashtray Tuesday. "Dude, it totally looks like it would have been on Dean Martin's coffee table," discoverer Marc Reiss told friend Scott Ratner. "It's green ceramic and triangular, and it's huge." The ashtray's most perfect detail, Reiss said, which more than justifies its $2 purchase price, is a raised center featuring a full 12 cigarette notches.

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