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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Cool Dentist Doesn't Give A Shit About Patients' Flossing

BERKELEY, CA—Cool Berkeley-area dentist Marvin Wilson, DDS, has grown in popularity lately due to his laid-back attitude toward regular brushing and flossing, which he "couldn't give two shits about," according to sources. "I asked him if I should be brushing differently, and he said people should just brush in whatever way makes them happy," recalls longtime client Amanda Jefferies, 27. "One time he started to warn me about gingivitis, but then he was like, 'You know what? Forget it. I can tell this is totally bumming you out.'" A receptionist confirmed there is currently a six-month wait to see Dr. Wilson, as his schedule is booked with patients needing extensive gum reconstruction.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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