Cool Dentist Doesn't Give A Shit About Patients' Flossing

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Vol 46 Issue 15

Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide

ST. LOUIS—Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into.

Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.
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Cool Dentist Doesn't Give A Shit About Patients' Flossing

BERKELEY, CA—Cool Berkeley-area dentist Marvin Wilson, DDS, has grown in popularity lately due to his laid-back attitude toward regular brushing and flossing, which he "couldn't give two shits about," according to sources. "I asked him if I should be brushing differently, and he said people should just brush in whatever way makes them happy," recalls longtime client Amanda Jefferies, 27. "One time he started to warn me about gingivitis, but then he was like, 'You know what? Forget it. I can tell this is totally bumming you out.'" A receptionist confirmed there is currently a six-month wait to see Dr. Wilson, as his schedule is booked with patients needing extensive gum reconstruction.

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