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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down

DETROIT, MI—At an emotional press conference yesterday, Detroit police officer John McCullough an-nounced his guilt in the murder of longtime partner Mitch Peterson and vowed not to rest until he tracks himself down. The veteran McCullough, who worked side by side with the slain officer for more than 12 years, promised he would do whatever it takes to bring himself to justice.

Officer John McCullough vowed to track down and capture himself (inset) for brutally slaying his own partner, Mitch Peterson.

“Last Thursday, I senselessly killed my partner and friend, Mitch Peterson, in a Detroit alleyway in cold blood,” a visibly shaken McCullough told the assembled press, friends, and family members. “Well, I stand before you today to swear that I will not sleep until I find me and make me pay for this brutal crime.”

McCullough concluded the press conference by holding up a photograph of himself and pointing. “I’m coming after you, buddy,” he said. “And when I do, it’ll be the sorriest day of your life.”

According to McCullough, at 11:20 p.m., he cornered Peterson and fired six shots into his abdomen and chest. He then raced to the side of his fallen partner and held him in his arms.

Said McCullough: “As Mitch lay there dying, he said to me, ‘It’s okay, buddy. It’s okay. I’m going to a much better place. But promise me just one thing: You’ll find the bastard who killed me.’”

The hard-nosed McCul-lough has already taken a number of steps to ensure he does not go far. In addition to revoking his driver’s license and canceling all his credit cards, he has slashed the tires on his car.

“That should make it a lot more difficult for me to escape,” he said. “Now I’ll have to travel by bus or train, and I’ll have a limited supply of money.”

McCullough has also posted fliers with his picture on kiosks, on telephone poles, and in store windows throughout Detroit. To increase his chances of catching himself, the beardless McCullough is making sure to shave every day. “If I grow facial hair, people may not recognize me as the guy from the flier. That would make it a lot harder to nail myself.”

“I gotta get into this guy’s head, crawl around for a while,” said McCullough, who has staked out his favorite bars and asked around town about himself. “I’ve got to learn his every move.”

McCullough is reportedly so consumed with tracking himself down that his boss, Sgt. Dick Thomas, threatened to take him off the case. “Thomas told me to cool it, or he’ll hand the case over to Ramsey,” McCullough said. “I told him, ‘Forget it, Sarge, this guy’s mine.’”

Even after Thomas threatened to take away his badge, McCullough remained defiant. “I don’t care, Sarge—it’s personal,” he said.

As confident as McCullough is that he will catch himself, he remains skeptical about what will happen afterwards.

“Sure, I could nail myself today. I know my movements,” he said. “But the way our justice system works, I’d be out on the streets within hours.”

Making McCullough all the more determined is the fact that this is not the first police officer he has killed. “Five years ago, I shot Mac Schuyler, a damn good cop and a buddy of mine, in the back during a routine robbery investigation,” McCullough said. “The message is clear: I must be stopped.”

No motive for the murder has yet been established, and McCullough himself is puzzled. “I have no idea why I would do something like this to my own partner and best friend,” he said. “It just makes no sense at all.”

Ironically, Peterson was set to retire in just one week.

Added McCullogh: “I can’t wait ’til I get my hands on me.”

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