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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down

DETROIT, MI—At an emotional press conference yesterday, Detroit police officer John McCullough an-nounced his guilt in the murder of longtime partner Mitch Peterson and vowed not to rest until he tracks himself down. The veteran McCullough, who worked side by side with the slain officer for more than 12 years, promised he would do whatever it takes to bring himself to justice.

Officer John McCullough vowed to track down and capture himself (inset) for brutally slaying his own partner, Mitch Peterson.

“Last Thursday, I senselessly killed my partner and friend, Mitch Peterson, in a Detroit alleyway in cold blood,” a visibly shaken McCullough told the assembled press, friends, and family members. “Well, I stand before you today to swear that I will not sleep until I find me and make me pay for this brutal crime.”

McCullough concluded the press conference by holding up a photograph of himself and pointing. “I’m coming after you, buddy,” he said. “And when I do, it’ll be the sorriest day of your life.”

According to McCullough, at 11:20 p.m., he cornered Peterson and fired six shots into his abdomen and chest. He then raced to the side of his fallen partner and held him in his arms.

Said McCullough: “As Mitch lay there dying, he said to me, ‘It’s okay, buddy. It’s okay. I’m going to a much better place. But promise me just one thing: You’ll find the bastard who killed me.’”

The hard-nosed McCul-lough has already taken a number of steps to ensure he does not go far. In addition to revoking his driver’s license and canceling all his credit cards, he has slashed the tires on his car.

“That should make it a lot more difficult for me to escape,” he said. “Now I’ll have to travel by bus or train, and I’ll have a limited supply of money.”

McCullough has also posted fliers with his picture on kiosks, on telephone poles, and in store windows throughout Detroit. To increase his chances of catching himself, the beardless McCullough is making sure to shave every day. “If I grow facial hair, people may not recognize me as the guy from the flier. That would make it a lot harder to nail myself.”

“I gotta get into this guy’s head, crawl around for a while,” said McCullough, who has staked out his favorite bars and asked around town about himself. “I’ve got to learn his every move.”

McCullough is reportedly so consumed with tracking himself down that his boss, Sgt. Dick Thomas, threatened to take him off the case. “Thomas told me to cool it, or he’ll hand the case over to Ramsey,” McCullough said. “I told him, ‘Forget it, Sarge, this guy’s mine.’”

Even after Thomas threatened to take away his badge, McCullough remained defiant. “I don’t care, Sarge—it’s personal,” he said.

As confident as McCullough is that he will catch himself, he remains skeptical about what will happen afterwards.

“Sure, I could nail myself today. I know my movements,” he said. “But the way our justice system works, I’d be out on the streets within hours.”

Making McCullough all the more determined is the fact that this is not the first police officer he has killed. “Five years ago, I shot Mac Schuyler, a damn good cop and a buddy of mine, in the back during a routine robbery investigation,” McCullough said. “The message is clear: I must be stopped.”

No motive for the murder has yet been established, and McCullough himself is puzzled. “I have no idea why I would do something like this to my own partner and best friend,” he said. “It just makes no sense at all.”

Ironically, Peterson was set to retire in just one week.

Added McCullogh: “I can’t wait ’til I get my hands on me.”

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