adBlockCheck

Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down

DETROIT, MI—At an emotional press conference yesterday, Detroit police officer John McCullough an-nounced his guilt in the murder of longtime partner Mitch Peterson and vowed not to rest until he tracks himself down. The veteran McCullough, who worked side by side with the slain officer for more than 12 years, promised he would do whatever it takes to bring himself to justice.

Officer John McCullough vowed to track down and capture himself (inset) for brutally slaying his own partner, Mitch Peterson.

“Last Thursday, I senselessly killed my partner and friend, Mitch Peterson, in a Detroit alleyway in cold blood,” a visibly shaken McCullough told the assembled press, friends, and family members. “Well, I stand before you today to swear that I will not sleep until I find me and make me pay for this brutal crime.”

McCullough concluded the press conference by holding up a photograph of himself and pointing. “I’m coming after you, buddy,” he said. “And when I do, it’ll be the sorriest day of your life.”

According to McCullough, at 11:20 p.m., he cornered Peterson and fired six shots into his abdomen and chest. He then raced to the side of his fallen partner and held him in his arms.

Said McCullough: “As Mitch lay there dying, he said to me, ‘It’s okay, buddy. It’s okay. I’m going to a much better place. But promise me just one thing: You’ll find the bastard who killed me.’”

The hard-nosed McCul-lough has already taken a number of steps to ensure he does not go far. In addition to revoking his driver’s license and canceling all his credit cards, he has slashed the tires on his car.

“That should make it a lot more difficult for me to escape,” he said. “Now I’ll have to travel by bus or train, and I’ll have a limited supply of money.”

McCullough has also posted fliers with his picture on kiosks, on telephone poles, and in store windows throughout Detroit. To increase his chances of catching himself, the beardless McCullough is making sure to shave every day. “If I grow facial hair, people may not recognize me as the guy from the flier. That would make it a lot harder to nail myself.”

“I gotta get into this guy’s head, crawl around for a while,” said McCullough, who has staked out his favorite bars and asked around town about himself. “I’ve got to learn his every move.”

McCullough is reportedly so consumed with tracking himself down that his boss, Sgt. Dick Thomas, threatened to take him off the case. “Thomas told me to cool it, or he’ll hand the case over to Ramsey,” McCullough said. “I told him, ‘Forget it, Sarge, this guy’s mine.’”

Even after Thomas threatened to take away his badge, McCullough remained defiant. “I don’t care, Sarge—it’s personal,” he said.

As confident as McCullough is that he will catch himself, he remains skeptical about what will happen afterwards.

“Sure, I could nail myself today. I know my movements,” he said. “But the way our justice system works, I’d be out on the streets within hours.”

Making McCullough all the more determined is the fact that this is not the first police officer he has killed. “Five years ago, I shot Mac Schuyler, a damn good cop and a buddy of mine, in the back during a routine robbery investigation,” McCullough said. “The message is clear: I must be stopped.”

No motive for the murder has yet been established, and McCullough himself is puzzled. “I have no idea why I would do something like this to my own partner and best friend,” he said. “It just makes no sense at all.”

Ironically, Peterson was set to retire in just one week.

Added McCullogh: “I can’t wait ’til I get my hands on me.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close