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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Copycat Criminals Continue To Mimic Liquor Store Robbery From 1822

MONTGOMERY, AL—Noting the incredibly similar circumstances surrounding all of the cases, legal sources confirmed Tuesday that countless copycat criminals across the country continue to imitate the infamous Blackjack Collins’ robbery of a Pittsburgh-area liquor store in 1822. “We still see thousands of individuals each year who have clearly patterned their heists after Blackjack, an early American criminal who masked his face in cloth, walked into Johnsons’ Spirit & Tobacco Shoppe brandishing a firearm, and screamed at the clerk, ‘Give me the money!’” said criminal profiler Paul Gorman, adding that the meticulously recreated homages are typically executed by those—just like Collins—who seek to quickly increase their personal wealth. “And just as Blackjack fled the scene on horseback, we find that nearly every modern-day culprit uses some form of transportation to make their getaway, a hallmark of the initial crime that has repeated itself over and over for nearly 200 years.” Gorman added that an equally strong trend exists among those carrying forth the legacy of mid-18th-century Fort Edward, NY man Ira Brouwer, who burned his log cabin down for the insurance money.

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