adBlockCheck

Copycat Killing 'Misses Subtleties Of Original,' Say Police

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Copycat Killing 'Misses Subtleties Of Original,' Say Police

BRONX, NY–A young couple was found ritualistically murdered in Crotona Park early Monday in what police are calling a "copycat crime that lacks the artistry and nuance of the original."

Forensics workers remove the bodies of a married couple murdered in a copycat crime officials derided as "perfunctory and derivative."

"On the surface, this double homicide seems identical to that of Yvette and Hector Reynoso in Crotona Park July 3," said Sgt. Bob Bloch of the New York Police Department. "The bodies were arranged in a back-to-back seated position, tied tightly together. Each victim's clothing was removed and put backwards on the other person. And their throats and wrists were ritualistically slashed, and the eyeballs carved out and placed in their mouths. But look closer, and you'll see that this crime is a pale, uninspired imitation of its predecessor."

The latest victims, identified as Susan and Nicholas Thomasen of White Plains, were found by police at 6 a.m. The crime was initially suspected to be the work of the Happy Loving Couple Killer, who shocked New York with his grisly, methodical slaying of the Reynosos four weeks ago and may be behind as many as 11 ritual double murders since 1988.

"Based on our initial forensic observations, we believed the crimes to be the work of the same man," Bloch said. "But a closer look revealed an obvious departure from the Happy Loving Couple Killer's attention to detail. I mean, why weren't the Thomasens' hands meticulously entwined? Why weren't the usual Valentine hearts drawn on their chests with the other's blood? Why were there no African violets stuffed into their mouths? Just sloppy. And tying their necks together with a white silk scarf is just an unnecessary flourish, introducing a violent, erotic-fantasy-fulfillment theme that undermines the simplicity and emotional directness that is the real Happy Loving Couple Killer's signature style. The second I stepped on the scene, I knew something was horribly wrong."

Fingerprints and DNA samples taken from the Thomasens' bodies failed to match those from the Reynoso murders, confirming those suspicions.

"It's a disappointing sidebar to the Happy Loving Couple Killer canon," Bloch continued. "However, it in no way detracts from the importance and power of the original killings."

Adding to the lack of artistic merit already clouding the Thomasens' death is the fact that, in order to stay true to the spirit of the original, the couple should not have been chosen as victims in the first place.

"The Happy Loving Couple Killer, or 'Hap,' as his longtime NYPD followers call him, always murders newlyweds who have known each other less than one year," Bloch said. "The Thomasens had met 13 months ago. Did this wannabe think we wouldn't notice? It's those little details that mark the difference between a good killer and a derivative hack. This murder is almost beneath the NYPD's attention."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close