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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Corey Pavin Announces Plans To Get Loaded Before Ryder Cup

NEW YORK—Declaring that the match-play competition between European and American players was "going to be a total frickin' blast," U.S. captain Corey Pavin announced plans Wednesday to get completely hammered before this year's Ryder Cup. "We might not win, but we're gonna have a hell of a good time this year," said Pavin, adding that he and his team intend to get fully loaded at the hotel before the alternate-shot matches, and intend to "drink and just keep on drinking" throughout the entire opening four-ball event. "I already got a crapload of booze like vodka and whiskey and some of that Apple Pucker schnapps crap for Zach Johnson so he doesn't puss out. And, man, [Jim] Furyk's an animal when he's hammered." Pavin maintained that the U.S. squad's main goal was to get Phil Mickelson to puke.

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