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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Corey Pavin Announces Plans To Get Loaded Before Ryder Cup

NEW YORK—Declaring that the match-play competition between European and American players was "going to be a total frickin' blast," U.S. captain Corey Pavin announced plans Wednesday to get completely hammered before this year's Ryder Cup. "We might not win, but we're gonna have a hell of a good time this year," said Pavin, adding that he and his team intend to get fully loaded at the hotel before the alternate-shot matches, and intend to "drink and just keep on drinking" throughout the entire opening four-ball event. "I already got a crapload of booze like vodka and whiskey and some of that Apple Pucker schnapps crap for Zach Johnson so he doesn't puss out. And, man, [Jim] Furyk's an animal when he's hammered." Pavin maintained that the U.S. squad's main goal was to get Phil Mickelson to puke.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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