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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Corn Added To List Of Items That Upset Grandma’s Stomach

JOPLIN, MO—Saying that even a small amount of the grain gives her trouble, local grandmother Gertrude Rogers, 84, announced Monday that corn has been added to the list of food items that upset her stomach. “Oh, I just can’t handle corn like I used to anymore,” said Rogers of the cereal plant, which has been identified along with broccoli, red meat, milk, peppers, legumes, cabbage, fettuccine Alfredo, dill pickles, honey glazed ham, nuts, fried shrimp, and pineapple as a food she should avoid, especially after 7 p.m. “You go ahead and enjoy. I’ll be just fine with the brown rice and some squash.” At press time, Rogers confirmed that the squash was starting to make her feel “a little green around the gills.”

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