adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Corn Added To List Of Items That Upset Grandma’s Stomach

JOPLIN, MO—Saying that even a small amount of the grain gives her trouble, local grandmother Gertrude Rogers, 84, announced Monday that corn has been added to the list of food items that upset her stomach. “Oh, I just can’t handle corn like I used to anymore,” said Rogers of the cereal plant, which has been identified along with broccoli, red meat, milk, peppers, legumes, cabbage, fettuccine Alfredo, dill pickles, honey glazed ham, nuts, fried shrimp, and pineapple as a food she should avoid, especially after 7 p.m. “You go ahead and enjoy. I’ll be just fine with the brown rice and some squash.” At press time, Rogers confirmed that the squash was starting to make her feel “a little green around the gills.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close