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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Corn Added To List Of Items That Upset Grandma’s Stomach

JOPLIN, MO—Saying that even a small amount of the grain gives her trouble, local grandmother Gertrude Rogers, 84, announced Monday that corn has been added to the list of food items that upset her stomach. “Oh, I just can’t handle corn like I used to anymore,” said Rogers of the cereal plant, which has been identified along with broccoli, red meat, milk, peppers, legumes, cabbage, fettuccine Alfredo, dill pickles, honey glazed ham, nuts, fried shrimp, and pineapple as a food she should avoid, especially after 7 p.m. “You go ahead and enjoy. I’ll be just fine with the brown rice and some squash.” At press time, Rogers confirmed that the squash was starting to make her feel “a little green around the gills.”

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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