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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Corn Lobby Tightens The Screws

WASHINGTON, DC—Representatives from the National Corn Growers Association put the screws to several U.S. senators in a meeting held at an undisclosed Washington hotel Monday. "If you guys don't support an increase in the National Plant Genome Initiative budget, we'll shuck you like an ear of freshly roasted Iowa sweet," NCGA CEO Rick Tolm said, idly twirling a double-pronged, cob-shaped corn holder in his hand. Senators reportedly promised they'd vote for the budget increase after Tolm threatened to throw them in hot oil and watch them pop.

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