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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Cornell Drains Fun Out Of Cinderella Run By Explaining How On A Long Enough Timeline The Improbable Becomes Probable

SYRACUSE, NY—Despite overcoming long odds as the lowest seed remaining in the NCAA Tournament, Cornell's basketball team had on Wednesday squandered most of its underdog goodwill by using every opportunity to explain that, given a finite set of possible outcomes and a sufficient period of time, the sheer quantity of opportunities available to accomplish an improbable outcome makes its achievement likely if not almost certain. "It'd be foolish to ascribe any of the properties of a pan-dimensional function space to the NCAA Tournament," said Cornell center Jeff Foote, who has averaged 14 points per game in the first two rounds. "However, bear in mind that we're not talking about a null probability space. With eight teams in the Ivy League and 65 in the tournament, you eventually run out of possible permutations. One could even make the case for historical inevitability; we won, so we were always going to win. I think my good friend Baron d'Holbach would agree—that's decidedly nonzero. Decidedly." Foote excused himself after the interview upon receiving a fifth rejection-of-transfer letter from Harvard.

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