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Corporate Merger Results in Global Headshop Conglomerate

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Corporate Merger Results in Global Headshop Conglomerate

Selena Jones and "Tobe" pose here in Bong on a Drum, one of two Austin-area headshops whose potential merger may translate into millions in bowl revenue.
Selena Jones and "Tobe" pose here in Bong on a Drum, one of two Austin-area headshops whose potential merger may translate into millions in bowl revenue.

AUSTIN, TX—Since the 1970s, “Bong on a Drum” and “Party Hopper” have been competitors, offering high-quality decorative smoking pipes, tie-dyed T-shirts and multi-purpose nitrous-oxide dispensers. This week, they will merge, an action that could result in a global conglomerate offering franchises in hundreds of world markets, a listing on the New York Stock Exchange, and salaries in the tens of millions for its two CEOs.

“Yeah, we decided to go into business together because I got this problem getting up in the morning,” Selena Jones, CEO of Party Hoppers, said. “I almost never open my store before 1 p.m.”

Jones and Bong on a Drum owner, “Tobe,” had planned to get together earlier this week with a group of Wall Street investors to discuss their venture, but Tobe had not shown up for the meeting, and failed to call Jones beforehand.

“That’s cool,” Jones said. “Because I was completely out of it, and nobody else showed.”

London Financial Times reporter Berhard L. Timmons has monitored the efforts of the two shop owners closely.

“The floor of the Board of Trade is abuzz with talk of Jones and Tobe’s plan,” he said. “Hand-tooled pipe and incense-holder futures are historically skittish in the crucial first quarter—this could be the move that sends them through the roof.” Jones and Tobe have missed the last three weeks of trading sessions because they were high.

The two business leaders believe they can network instead at an upcoming hemp rally. There they may connect with a low-cost overseas fluorescent poster distributor whom Jones has heard will be in attendance. A partnership with this party will lower their collective overhead and give them the capital to back even larger, international expansion.

“It would be cool,” Jones said, “but if we had a shitload of stores, I’d have to make tons more bead curtains, and I don’t know if I could handle that.”

Their hope is eventually to sign a multi-million dollar licensing agreement to streamline and systemize production of items such as hand-painted drums, decorative pipes and one-of-a-kind bronze candle holders. To accomplish this goal, they need just one thing: “I think we might need to write some kind of business proposal,” Tobe said. “I heard that you might need one of those to, like, show to people so they know you are a serious businessman.”

The entrepreneurs will carry out their plan as soon as they can locate Mitch, a third-year law student who once played in a band with Jones. They believe he can help them write any corporate documents necessary for their venture.

One worry that could slow their ambitious corporate rise is that Mitch may have moved.

“I gotta find that dude’s phone number,” Jones said. “I hope he’s still living at that same place.”

Added Tobe: “Yeah, if we find him, he’ll totally hook us up, because he always did us favors before and we used to get stoned together.”

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