Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio Holding Steady

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Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
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Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio Holding Steady

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio held steady at 1:770 in the third fiscal quarter of 1998, the U.S. Department of Commerce announced Tuesday.

ITX Petroleum officials present a donation to arts programs for youths.

According to the department's latest quarterly report, for every scholarship program, literacy drive, art exhibition or tree-planting project sponsored by U.S. corporations between July and September 1998, there were 770 acts of covert pollution, foreign-labor exploitation, worker-safety violations and profit-driven downsizing.

Though corporate America doubled its conspicuous good works during the third quarter of 1998, the increase was offset by a concurrent doubling of unethical and illegal acts, leaving the overall philanthropy-misanthropy ratio unchanged.

The Commerce Department report cited the example of Dallas-based oil-refining giant ITX Petroleum, which in October raised $50,000 for the United Negro College Fund with a $400-a-plate charity ball. That same month, oil spills from unsound ITX offshore wells contaminated hundreds of miles of Gulf of Mexico coastline, killing millions of sea-dwelling creatures and putting hundreds of fishermen out of work.

"The men from the American company gave everyone in my village free measles vaccinations when the camera crews were here two summers ago," Mexican laborer Jorge Sanchez said. "On the other hand, their pipeline burst last week, burning thousands of villagers alive in a lake of flaming oil."

Though it has fluctuated over the years, the National Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio has not dipped below the 1:600 mark since the 1930s, when automobile tycoon Henry Ford established the Ford Foundation, his art- and education-funding organization. During those same years, the Ford Motor Company was profiting from trade with Nazi Germany chemical giant and Zyklon-B poison-gas manufacturer I.G. Farben, and publishing anti-Semitic editorials in The Dearborn Independent.

ITX Petroleum officials bury drums of toxic runoff.

The Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio was established by the Commerce Department in 1914. The ratio hit an early peak of 1:300 in 1920, when Standard Oil tycoon John D. Rockefeller began making a public show of distributing dimes to children while ruthlessly crushing his competitors, often through violent means.

In the decades since, corporate philanthropy has steadily grown, today encompassing everything from funding AIDS research organizations to underwriting PBS' Mystery! That growth, however, has been accompanied by an even greater rise in misanthropy, as the corporate elite continues to consolidate its power base and operate under fewer and fewer constraints, abusing its power whenever profit motive dictates.

"I never miss the Environmental Media Awards," said NBC executive Carl Unger, arriving at the annual gala awards ceremony honoring excellence in positive media portrayals of environmental issues. "The pomp, the glamour, the celebrities–it's a fabulous night of black-tie opulence that can be enjoyed without guilt." NBC's parent company, General Electric, continues to manufacture thermonuclear weapons components, producing profits at a staggering rate.

According to Wharton Business School professor Milton Scheidt, one publicly donated charity dollar is the equivalent of 100,000 privately hoarded ones. "By keeping a limited number of these 'inflated' charity dollars in circulation at all times," Scheidt said, "corporations can generate sympathy and public-perception 'breathing room' for misanthropic expansion in the future."

"By tossing the occasional crumb to a worthy cause, I'm able to feel much better about the rest of my vast fortunes," Consolidated Chemicals CEO Patrick Farnsworth said. "The best part is, I don't actually have to give away all that much. Where charity is concerned, a little goes a long way."