adBlockCheck

Business

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Corporation Proud Of Origins As Small Business That Would Never Survive In Modern Economy

DEERFIELD, IL—Touting its foundational values of hard work, honesty, and integrity, drugstore giant Walgreens confirmed Wednesday it is proud of its origins as a small business that in today’s economy would absolutely never have been able to get off the ground. “Here at Walgreens, we still live by the same commitment to customer service preached by Charles Walgreen when he opened his first store back in 1901,” said company president Alex Gourlay, referring to the miniscule, independent pharmacy that, if opened in the modern era, would quickly be crushed by the present-day Walgreens and other retail chains whose outsized bargaining power allows them to squeeze out would-be competitors at will. “Just like Charles, we take great pride in everything we do. We now have more than 8,000 locations, but in many ways, we’re still that same little shop on the corner [that in the current market would be boarded up within 12 months, leaving its bankrupt owner hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt].” Gourlay added that each Walgreens store sees itself as an integral part of the community it serves, in the sense that residents no longer have any other place to shop and are thus completely dependent upon it.


More from this section

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close